Cuble’s Guide to Surviving Your Haunted House

So your house is being inhabited by demonic entities from the great beyond? That’s brilliant. Not for you though. You are in very grave danger. However, you need not die such a cheap and meaningless death. Here is our guide to surviving your haunted home.

Leave

If you suspect that there are fourteen headless ghosts in your basement. Do not stick around to find out if it’s true. If you hear deafening bangs in the walls, reach the obvious conclusion that you are being followed by Satan, and find the cheapest apartment in the next town. If you are poor, you could always crash at your parent's place. Although you stand the risk of looking like a pathetic bastard, it pales in comparison with having your brains eaten by the walking dead.

Do not investigate those strange noises

A baby’s cry can be a beautiful thing. Except its 3 AM. And you live in the middle of nowhere. And you have no children. If this happens, resist the urge to light a candle to go find out where the noise is coming from, you bloody idiot. Ride it out by playing some Candy Crush on your smartphone or reading a Victorian-era novel. You will be out like a light in no time.

Run.

If you happen to see a creepy old woman in your bathroom while you’re having a shower, run for your dear life. What does it even mean to be frozen with shock? Get out of there as fast as you can, you fool.

Put on the lights.

When you cloak your entire home in complete darkness, you’re turning your house into a dance floor for evil spirits to boogie down. Evil can’t exist with light. So stop being a pretentious bastard and take down your dimly lit chandeliers, you twat. Do yourself and your family a favor and invest in some good fluorescents.

Turn to Christ.

Become a Christian. God is a lot stronger than Satan. There’s little Satan can do to hurt you when you’re on the side of The Prince of Peace, which means basically, he can fuck off now. So save your soul and worship God. However, if you become Christian, you may need to stop having so much unprotected sex.