New Mother Absolutely Loves Her Tedious Little Bastard

Debut mom, Brooke Sheridan has shared with loved ones and friends what a pleasure it is to have given birth to such a sniveling needy bastard, pointing out that her joy knows no bounds.

“It fills my heart with such happiness to know that I will probably not get a decent night’s sleep for the foreseeable future,” said Brooke cuddling the squirming little creature. “I love everything about this lovely bundle of joy, his blood-curdling screams at 3 am, the smell of diapers in the morning, having to breastfeed him at the oddest moments. Oh, look he just barfed on me, isn’t he adorable?”

“People say babies can be tough, but what really is the big deal in putting your entire life on hold and losing your general will to live.”

Brooke’s husband, on the other hand, has taken to regularly smoking in the backyard and having several illicit sexual relationships in order to deal with the situation.

Brooke’s mother, Mabel, who is helping her daughter raise her child till it can “fucking walk” did not share her daughter’s optimism.

She said: “How am I back to this shit again? The last one of these little demons I had was thirty years ago and I swear I still have puke in my hair.”

“Thankfully I brought enough alcohol to last me till that bastard can bloody walk about himself.”

Nauseatingly, Brooke is taking motherhood with such a good attitude that people fear she may be sick in the head. Fellow nursing mothers at her weekly maternity class are convinced that she has completely lost it. One of them said: “She takes part in all the games and actually fucking listens when they teach about that “strengthen your inner core” bullshit.”

According to eyewitnesses, she’s also given her child, a host sickening nicknames and loves it in the open in a manner that makes everyone around her want to set themselves on fire.

“Yesterday, I heard her calling him her ‘little honey ball’ and I almost barfed in my oatmeal.” said a class instructor.

Other names she has reportedly assigned include “Snuggle Muffin” “Cutie Patootie” and “Sugar Booger”

Nursing mother, Jessica said: “I just wish she could take things down a notch. We get it, you love your child, fuck off.”

Brooke said: “Motherhood is such an exciting journey and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me and my ‘little wallybear’. Yesterday, he tried to swallow a mug of thumbtacks.”