Walcott Could’ve Sworn He Was Signing For Liverpool

Walcott today, at his unveiling as an Everton player, cut a dejected figure as the Everton fans hailed him as their supreme leader.

Walcott confided to press outside Goodison Park that his agent was “a bit” misleading when he said he would be heading to a highly successful club located in the Merseyside region with several elite club honours.

“When the car took a different route heading towards Goodison, I just assumed the Uber guy knew a shortcut to Anfield.” revealed Walcott.

Those familiar with the matter confirmed that upon arriving at Goodison Park, Walcott fell on his knees and sobbed like a school boy.

“You can’t imagine my shock when I saw Allardyce, that fat cunt of a human, standing at the gates of Goodison, waiting to welcome me to this hellhole of a place” said Walcott through gritted teeth.

It is reported that the thought of playing alongside the likes of Cenk Tosun, Sigurdsson and Calvert-Lewin, week in week out fills Walcott with unimaginable grief and sorrow and often forces him to consider lighting himself on fire.

Walcott is now in a conundrum as to what to do with the forty-five-million-dollar mansion he purchased next to Anfield.

“Now what am I supposed to do with this?” said Walcott referring to the Liverpool crest tattooed on his forehead.

By the end of the press conference, a text from Mohammed Salah, had arrived Walcott’s phone.

“Fancy me feeding you up through balls from the left flank?” Walcott had texted this morning.

“ You okay, mate? :|” Salah replied.