An Indulgent Guide to Christmas Rock
Crucial classics, ugly covers, Jewish renditions and other obsessive holiday music lists
Crucial Christmas Playlist:
10 Rock & Roll Holiday Essentials
James Taylor • “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” (2002)
As we were preparing for war in Iraq, Taylor restored this song’s original darker lyrics, including changing From now on our troubles will be out of sight” to In a year our troubles will be out of sight.
Run-DMC • “Christmas in Hollis” (1987)
Includes a sample from Clarence Carter’s 1968 “Back Door Santa,” which could easily have been on this list.
The Pretenders • “2000 Miles” (1983)
The Pretenders’ first single to be released after the deaths of founding members James Honeyman-Scott and Pete Farndon.
The Waitresses • “Christmas Wrapping” (1981)
Sung from the point of view of a frazzled woman in New York, it was written, like all the Waitresses’ songs, by a dude, Chris Butler.
David Bowie & Bing Crosby • “Little Drummer Boy” (1977)
Crosby and Bowie cut this on September 11, 1977, for Der Bingle’s upcoming Christmas special. Bing was dead of a heart attack before the show ever aired. Bowie said he appeared with Crosby because “I just knew my mother liked him.”
Jackson 5 • “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” (1970)
Jackson 5 Christmas Album was the brothers’ fourth full-length album released in the space of less than 12 months. Bruce Springsteen used this arrangement for his own perennially overplayed version.
Darlene Love • “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)” (1963)
Ellie Greenwich and Jeff Barry wrote it for Ronnie Spector, but when Ronnie couldn’t do it justice, it became a landmark for Darlene Love, who has sung it every holiday season on David Letterman since 1986.
Elvis Presley • “Blue Christmas” (1957)
Cut in 1957 for Elvis’ Christmas Album, it wasn’t released as a single till 1964, when it became a huge hit.
Eartha Kitt • “Santa Baby” (1953)
The naughty lyrics are by Joan Javits, the niece of longtime New York senator Jacob Javits.
Nat King Cole • “The Christmas Song” (1946)
Mel Torme wrote it, but Nat recorded it first, and recorded it best.
Mazel Tov! 10 Landmark Christmas Albums by Jewish Artists
Idina Menzel • Holiday Wishes (2014)
Released this past October, it’s already the “Let It Go” star’s best selling album ever.
Carole King • A Holiday Carole (2011)
The legendary songwriter contributed no new material of her own, but her daughter Louise Goffin co-wrote three of the tracks.
Neil Diamond • A Cherry Cherry Christmas (2009)
Diamond’s third Christmas album is the one you want, even though it’s mostly material that appeared on his first two Christmas albums, because it includes his cover of Adam Sandler’s “The Chanukah Song.” Plus, that title.
Bob Dylan • Christmas in the Heart (2009)
As Dylan’s Jesus-centric albums go, it’s no Slow Train Coming, but better than Saved.
Bette Midler • Cool Yule (2006)
Includes a Christmas-themed version of her hit “From a Distance”: From a distance, the world sings ‘Silent Night,’ like a soft embracing psalm.
Barenaked Ladies • Barenaked for the Holidays (2004)
Contains not one, not two, but three different Hanukkah songs.
Kenny G • Miracles: The Holiday Album (1994)
Gorelick’s first Christmas record went to Number One on the Billboard Album charts; the subsequent five (!) went to Number Six, Number 29, Number 39, Number 85, and Did Not Chart, in that order.
Barry Manilow • Because It’s Christmas (1990)
After the classic pop songwriter Johnny Mercer died, in 1976, his widow gave Manilow some unfinished lyrics to turn into complete songs. One of them became Manilow’s 1984 hit “When October Goes”: two others ended up here.
Barbra Streisand • A Christmas Album (1967)
A pioneer in this field, this album spent five weeks at Number One on Billboard’s Christmas albums chart in 1967.
Phil Spector • A Christmas Gift for You From Phil Spector (1963)
Originally titled A Christmas Gift for You From Philles Records, until Spector thought better of it. It was released the day JFK was assassinated, November 22, 1963.
The Naughty List: 10 Christmas “Classics” You’re Glad You’ve Never Heard
Cyndi Lauper • “Christmas Conga” (2004)
When you think Christmas, you don’t think “conga.” And you especially don’t think about rhyming “conga” with “bonga, bonga, bonga, bonga.”
L.A. Guns • “Run Run Rudolph” (2002)
It makes sense that a knockoff hair-metal band would cover a knockoff of a Christmas classic. It doesn’t make good music, but it makes sense.
Three Tenors • “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” (2000)
Pavarotti singing John Lennon makes as much sense as Ringo singing the aria from Don Giovanni.
The Little Stinkers • “I Farted on Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas Is Gonna Stink for Me)” (1999)
This actually slithered into the Hot 100 in 2002, by which time the snotty kids who recorded it were old enough to be hugely embarrassed by the whole thing.
Tiny Tim • “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year” (1985)
Tiny later tried lamely to claim the title was actually a reference to the unfortunately named diet candy AYDS, but come on.
Meco • “What Can You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)” (1980)
The “hit” single from the album Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album, which also featured Jon Bon Jovi’s first appearance on record, singing “R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”
Akim and Teddy Vann • “Santa Claus Is a Black Man” (1973)
A rewrite of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” from the perspective of a little black girl who can’t sing at all, not even a little bit.
John Denver • “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” (1973)
A serious Christmas-themed substance-abuse song could conceivably work — but not with Denver’s gee-whiz lighter-than-air delivery.
Bobby “Boris” Pickett • “Monster’s Holiday” (1962)
The follow-up to “Monster Mash,” it was actually a Top Thirty hit for the Christmas of ‘62. Rock & Roll Hall of Famer Leon Russell played piano on it.
Joel Grey • “I’m Gonna Put Some Glue ‘Round the Christmas Tree (So Santa Claus Will Stick Around All Year)” (1954)
Yes, Joel Grey, future Oscar winner for Cabaret. No less an authority than Dr. Demento has called this “the all-time worst Christmas song.”
The Nice List:
10 Essential Christmas Compilations
The Essential Now That’s What I Call Christmas (2008)
Playing it straight down the middle, because someone in your house is going to want to hear “Wonderful Christmastime” and “Little Saint Nick” and “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” and “Feliz Navidad,” although let’s hope not “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” (yep, that’s here too).
Christmas in Soulsville (2007)
This Stax compilation showcases both the naughty (Albert King’s “Santa Claus Needs Some Lovin’”) and the nice (“Booker T. and the MG’s instrumental “Winter Wonderland).”
Where Will You Be Christmas Day? (2004)
A collection of old Christmas spirituals, featuring people like Lead Belly, Bessie Smith and Lightnin’ Hopkins, dating back as far as 1917.
Just Say Noel (1996)
Nineties alterna-faves Beck (“The Little Drum Machine Boy”), Sonic Youth (“Santa Doesn’t Cop Out on Dope”) and the Roots (“Millie Pulled a Gun on Santa”) harken back to those halcyon days when Geffen Records was a thing.
Handel’s Messiah: A Soulful Celebration (1992)
Stevie Wonder, Patti Austin, Al Jarreau and a host of gospel and R&B artists rip through the Messiah in ways Handel never dreamed of. Hallelujah!
Hillbilly Holiday (1990)
Rhino dug deep into the vaults for this one, with mostly originals by the likes of Buck Owens, the Louvin Brothers, and Bill Monroe, plus Bill Anderson’s “Po’ Folks Christmas”: “Ho, ho, ho/We was po’, po’, po.”
A Very Special Christmas (1987)
The first and best edition of this series includes Run-DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis,” the Pretenders’ “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” Whitney Houston’s “Do You Hear What I Hear,” and Springsteen’s “Merry Christmas Baby” — much better than his “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town.”
A Christmas Record (1981)
One of the first alternative Christmas albums, from the long-gone ZE label, with such unlikely acts as Was (Not Was) and Suicide, as well as the first-ever appearance of the Waitresses’ “Christmas Wrapping.”
A Motown Christmas (1973)
A souped-up version of 1968’s U.K.-only release, Merry Christmas From Motown.
A Christmas Gift for You From Phil Spector (1963)
Spector’s Philles label released only 12 long-players — this is the best of them. Every track is a winner, except Spector’s own spoken-word recitation over “Silent Night.”
Indie Little Christmas:
10 Edgy Holiday Anthems
Bad Religion “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” (2013)
Bad Religion released a whole album, Christmas Songs, with more-or-less faithful versions of traditional Christmas classics.
Julian Casablancas “I Wish It Was Christmas Today” (2009)
The Strokes leader included this song, which had debuted in an SNL skit, as a bonus track on his solo debut, Phrazes for the Young.
The Killers “Don’t Shoot Me, Santa” (2007)
The Killers have released a Christmas single every year since 2006, as a benefit for Project Red.
The New Pornographers “Joseph, Who Understood” (2007)
From their Christmas EP The Spirit of Giving, but never on a proper album. Is there any other Christmas song that focuses on poor old Joseph?
Raveonettes “The Christmas Song” (2003)
Not the Mel Torme classic, and also not included in the band’s 2008 EP Wishing You a Rave Christmas. It didn’t show up on a Raveonettes album till the 2011 Rarities/B-Sides.
Neko Case “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” (2000)
First done by Tom Waits on his 1978 album Blue Valentine, but much more effective coming from a woman, where “effective” means “depressing.”
Fiona Apple “Frosty the Snowman” (2000)
A stripped-down version of this song from a very unlikely source, originally appearing on the Sony compilation Christmas Calling.
The Flaming Lips “Christmas at the Zoo” (1995)
The Lips also made a whole feature film, Christmas on Mars, directed by Wayne Coyne, in 2008.
The Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” (1989)
The last official single off the last major-label Ramones album.
The Pogues “Fairytale of New York” (1987)
Featuring Kirsty MacColl on the lead female vocal, the song supposedly arose after Pogues producer Elvis Costello bet the band that they couldn’t come up with a Christmas song.
Ugly Sweaters: 10 Bizarre Christmas Album Covers
Rudy Ray Moore
This Ain’t No White Christmas!
Called by some the Godfather of rap. As Snoop Dogg himself put it, “Without Rudy Ray Moore, there would be no Snoop Dogg.”
John Travolta
and Olivia Newton-John
This Christmas
Obviously, what John needs this Christmas is a better toupee, or a new can of spray paint to freshen up the old one.
A First Christmas Record
for Children
Shall we count everything that’s wrong with this? Santa looks drunk and evil, he’s wearing shorts and playing a concertina, and worst of all, his sleigh has NO PRESENTS IN IT!
Christmas With Colonel Sanders
Rather than turkey with mashed potatoes and stuffing, the whole family gathers round for a Double Down sandwich.
RuPaul
Ho Ho Ho
No one ever said Ru Ru Ru didn’t have a sense of humor about himself.
Perry Como Perry Como’s Christmas Album
I really hope the back cover shows the other side of the door, with Perry’s backside as he sticks his head through the hole in the wreath.
Wham!
Last Christmas
This cover finally clarifies what Andrew Ridgeley’s status was in the band: livestock.
24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes
Are those kids raising their hands to be next, or are they shielding their eyes from the blinding racism?
Six Million Dollar Man
Hear 4 Exciting Christmas Adventures
You have to give Lee Majors credit for donning not just the Santa beard but a Santa wig as well.
William Hung
Hung for the Holidays
At least the designer knew enough to have stockings “Hung” by the chimney with care.
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