Dear Pop Stars, Here’s A Fancy, Happy & ***Flawless Guide to 2015
Step one: stop enabling Iggy Azalea
They say with great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately—and to my Grandma Barbara’s endless chagrin—my only discernible gift is obsessively dissecting pop music. But so be it, Gran. Life is unfair!
In any case, at this time last year I reluctantly accepted the burden of Chief Pop Music Physician. In my new position, I was charged with offering year-end diagnoses to our most beloved pop stars, most of whom had really shit the bed in 2013.
In many ways it was a different world back then. We were forced to endure Robin Thicke’s success story, Ke$ha still felt worth mentioning and no one had even heard the terms “Surprise Visual Album,” “Feat. Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche” or “Serfbort.” It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. Or so we thought.
As it turns out, the past two years have shared at least one disturbing trait: 2014, with a few notable exceptions, was an even more vexing migraine for mainstream pop music than 2013. And 2013 had Bangerz! 2014 was so barren that the best pop album of 2014 actually came out in 2013.
The good news? I’m still an optimist! I believe in (some of) our current batch of pop stars kinda sometimes! In spite of dubious claims by a titan of music journalism, I really do care about pop.
And look, someone has to be honest here. As the Grammy nominations laid bare this Friday, the rest of the music industry seems perfectly content continuing to enable Iggy Azalea.
So with all that said, high-powered musical artists who are definitely reading this blog post rn: Stop thirst emailing Max Martin for a moment and pay attention. This is gonna take a sec. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Beyonce
Surprise (Beyonce loves surprises)! I’m gonna serf right and kick things off on a rare positive note because Beyonce killed it this year. I mean Beyonce knifed up 2014 like it was Marion Crane in the Bates Motel shower. Astounding album. Sumptuous songs. 15,836 music videos. 9,337 world tours. So many glorious weaves blowing in massive stage fans across such a myriad of media platforms that I could barely register the ***Flawlessness with my mere mortal brain. Thankfully, this was a rare thing the Grammys got right. As this year comes to a close, Bey is now the most nominated Feminist in history.
B: I have no advice. Do whatever you want next year. Seriously. Do everything. Do nothing. It doesn’t matter. This year was so cracking that you could actually squawk into a microphone like a dying duck for the next 12 months and the amazingness of 2014 would still make it a net-net win. Per your prior request, I bow down.
Iggy Azalea
Alright, enough pleasantries. Now we get our hands dirty.
First things first: I’m not mad at Iggy’s success, in theory. In fact I think it’s bloody fantastic that there’s a successful white chick rapper. In 2014, Iggy Azalea should have just as much of a right to call herself a rapper as anyone else.
That said, everything else about Iggy is a huge problem. I’m not going to bother too much with what’s been said a million times this year but the accent, the lyrical content, the ersatz production, the whole thing just feels decidedly un-Fancy. Speaking of which, I hoped “Fancy” would be a one-and-done kinda single, but no. Iggy Azalea is now a Grammy nominee for Record of the Year (read that sentence again at your own peril). Apparently, we’re riding this wretched wobbling hell train straight into the blazing eternal sunset.
In light of that fact, we need to make the best out of an irksome situation, and I have but one simple solution. Iggy: rap in your real voice. Honestly, aside from the highly questionable ethics of being a white Australian lady spitting in a Bankhead accent, it would just be far more interesting to hear an Australian rap in an Australian accent. Think about it! What would that even sound like!? I’m intrigued already! Rap about a dingo, even! Actually, baby steps. Start with the accent, then we can tackle the actual writing. Baby steps. Australian rapping. Imagine it! I’m excited.
Lana Del Rey
I really admire Ultraviolence. When it came out, I listened to it on constant loop. But the truth is, I’ve seen documentaries about seal clubbing that are less depressing. Ultraviolence is so relentlessly bleak that I was eventually cut off by my roommate Hannah who was concerned for my well-being. I think the scales tipped when Hannah caught me twirling naked in my room to “Shades of Cool,” “Jim raised me up” sprawled across my chest in black eyeliner, weeping hysterically into a vintage Hermes scarf. She deleted the album from my iTunes.
LDR: Let’s talk. I just want you to be happy. What can I do to help? Call me. Let’s go see Dumb and Dumber To and just laugh at it all. I’ll bring the spritzers! I’m concerned, babe. We all are. Maybe Six Flags or something? I’m around. Also on the off-chance that you own a computer, don’t look at the nominations.
Sam Smith
Sammy baby! You sing beautifully so def keep doing that. “Latch” is obviously one the best singles in recent memory. Your other music is just a little stately for my taste—a bit neutered, a tad slick. I feel like if the Queen were a forlorn, virginal gay man with access to a gospel choir, In the Lonely Hour is the album she’d make. I’m glad we’ve been discussing the Grammys because it sounds like you got in the studio and said, “let’s make an album that smacks Grammy voters square in the old white sweet spot.” It worked!
Maybe in 2015, you can put that majestic voice to use and give us a little bite? A little edge? A little acid? In fact, I’d like to set up some studio time with you and my main girl, Sia. Sia’s got a voice and a bite. You two need to link. What’s your sched like, S? Also…
Sia: You rule. “Chandelier” should be in the Louvre right next to the Mona Lisa as far as I’m concerned.
Lady GaGa: Seriously, what happened girl?
Miley Cyrus: Let’s talk next year. I still really need some space.
Chris Brown
Oy, Chris Brown. I don’t think you’re a very good person at all! When I hear your voice, lurid images flood my mind and I feel frustrated that I can’t open up my skull and wash my brain. And most of your musical output is really
¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Every once in a blue moon, though, you bake up one of these completely irresistible confections and I can’t stop gorging like it’s gelt on Hanukkah. And the MOST annoying part of it all? These great singles often brazenly feature many of your most detestable qualities: The misogyny, the vapidity, the general oafishness. But what can I say? “Loyal” is the jam. You have talent. The beat is so snappy, the hook is so perfectly syncopated that it’s all like a drum-programmed hit of crack. I’m a powerless user.
Can you just try to be a better person? Is that possible? It’s not, is it. This sucks.
Ariana Grande: Click here to buy Me. I Am Mariah… The Elusive Chanteuse on iTunes. This is not a joke, it’s one of the best albums of the year.
Nicki Minaj
At this point, I’m pretty sure Nicki Minaj hates us. Or thinks we’re stupid? Do you think we’re stupid, Nick? These are the only excuses I can think for why such a plainly skilled and dizzyingly entertaining artist can rarely conjure a song of that doesn’t feel pandering, unsuited to her unique talent, generally beneath her or all of the above.
Nicki: You are, by far, one of the best rappers working today and there’s nothing gendered about that statement. I can’t help but feel, though, that the very real struggle of succeeding as a female in the ultramasc world of hip-hop has left you consistently placing commerce before art. I actually felt stupider after listening to “Anaconda” for the first time. And even after that, I’d still take it over the mush pie that is “Pills N Potions.”
In 2015 we need you to step up, cut the shit and be great. Because you deserve to be great. Hell, you are fucking great. And we want to hear you be great! We want Monster Nicki in Sri Lanka! Buck what sells. Also, Who is the demon that told you doing C-list Rihanna knock-offs was a good move? Fire them! And most importantly, we need great Minaj singles that handily direct these other ladies back to their seats where the belong. Make these bitches your sons. And seriously please help us with the Iggy thing. We’re dying out here.
Pharrell: Pharrell was one the main reasons I got into music. He is indisputably a genius. I’ve said a bunch about this subject already, but am I the only who felt greatly unhappy about “Happy?” Is it just me, or is Pharrell 2.0 one bland be-hatted vanilla wafer? I think it might just be me, so I’ll hush. I’m just gonna sit here, bump this and remember the good times.
Jessie J: The only thing I can say about Jessie J is “Why is Jessie J?” Jessie wrote “Party in the USA,” though, and it’s probably my favorite pop song of 2014.
Meghan Trainor: Ugh.
Rihanna: What happened to our yearly meet-up, BadGal? Put the blunt down and get pon di studio. Or bring the blunt to the studio? Or I can bring you a blunt in the studio? Whatever works.
Taylor Swift
Tay: You’re an amazing artist and an amazing songwriter. Sure, you’re really annoying at award shows but hey, no one’s perfect! Anyway, they need to stop cutting to you, so that’s not all on you. I’m glad “Shake it Off” got Song and Record of year nominations because it’s actually perfect. We’re lucky to have you in the game.
I also want to end on a high note because I also really like 1989 for the most part. “Welcome to New York” is decidedly the worst song of the year (ever?), but “Blank Space” and “Style” are are some of my absolute favorites. And I really like that you’re moving forward with your sound without abandoning the Taylor Swiftness of the whole thing. Kinda reminds of the advice a prescient DJ gave you in a similar blog post last year ;-)!
After your pop evolution, I’m interested in seeing how many genres you could tackle while still sounding adorably Swifty. Imagine an experimental Swift record produced by Sophie. Imagine a Watch the Throne-style, completely acappella collabo between Taylor Swift and Pentatonix. We’ll call it called Taytatonix. Imagine a Tay Swift trap album entirely produced by Young Chop. Whatever it is, keep doing your Taylor thing. Please don’t write any more songs about New York.
And finally, Nick Jonas: You deserve all the Grammys.
So there ya go! When I read this over I realized there were actually some decent moments this year floating above the radioactive river of pop sludge. Maybe I was being a bit of a Scrooge earlier in this post? Oh, and another thing! An important commonality between 2014 and 2013 is that many of the best pop records came from newbies. Check out Tove Lo’s Queen of the Clouds, FKA Twigs’ LP1 and Tinashe’s Aquarius, which are probably the best pop albums of the past 52 weeks not made by Blue Ivy’s birthgiver. They were also, of course, almost wholly ignored by the Recording Academy.
Anyway, that’s all for this year. Any questions, Nicki?
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