So Tonight That
I Might See

When a kid falls in love with love and music


I. My Hero

Mazzy Star is a singer. She is my hero, well at least for now, until I pick some sports player like all the other boys in my class. I cannot tell the other boys Mazzy Star is my hero. They don’t know who she is, but if I told them, I’m sure they would try to steal her from me.

She sings very pretty songs that the radio people don’t seem to play on the radio. I would know because I called the station and asked them to play Mazzy Star and they told me they don’t play that kind of music but that it was nice music. I said yeah, and they asked me how old I was. I lied and said I was 13 even though I’m 10, which I understand is a far cry from 13, but I thought that maybe if I was in my teens like my sister, they would think teenagers love Mazzy Star, that Mazzy Star is the best thing that could ever possibly happen to music. The people at the radio station did not think that. They should play Mazzy Star and I bet their ratings would soar.

There is one song that she sings and, truthfully, it’s the only one I know. It’s called “Fade Into You.” It’s like a dream. It’s like my best dream of floating and crying all at the same time. It has this melody of loopy guitars that makes me think of dirt roads and dark sunglasses. It makes me think of that because I saw the video and in the video, Mazzy Star is sitting up against a car in sunglasses and a white tank top, and it looks like the desert with all the dirt and sand swirling around her. The tambourine is my favorite part of it all. There is something about the way she hits it against her hip in the video, slow at first, then fast for the chorus, and then slow again for the second verse and so on. The whole song makes me want to be in love so badly. That’s pretty much why I like it so much.

II. Dirt

I found out about Mazzy Star and that song from my sister, Lisa. I think she heard about it from her boyfriend, Brian. My parents really don’t like him and don’t know that they are officially going out. My brother hates him too, and always tells Lisa he’s going to beat the shit out of him. He calls him “Dirt” because his hair is long and he rides a skateboard everywhere, even to school.

“Lisa, if you’re going out with Dirt tonight, I’ll wreck him, I swear to God,” my brother warned.

“Jeff, will you just shut up and stop being so friggin’ loud? Mom and dad are right in the friggin’ kitchen.”

“I don’t fucking care. They should know you’re going out with a fucking dirtbag who gets high all the time and dresses like a fucking freak.”

I think Brian is pretty great. When my parents went out of town to Las Vegas and Jeff was camping, Brian came over a bunch. I had just borrowed my aunt’s guitar that I found in her basement and wanted to learn how to play. I showed him a song I made up that was just easy chords like C and G and D, which is actually not that easy but I’m getting there. He told me that I was great! And he said it like that, too: “David, that’s great!” Then he said something about learning the “fundamentals” and he said “fundamentals” a bunch of times, but I didn’t really understand what he was talking about.

III. Music Club

Lisa subscribed to one of those Music Clubs once where you order 12 CDs at a time and they claim they are a penny each but really you end up paying more than what you would pay if you bought the CDs one by one at Record Theatre. She ended up paying a lot, but she got great CDs. I hear the songs playing in her room. Sometimes I lie in the hallway while she’s playing them. I think that’s where I first heard Mazzy Star. My parents forbade Lisa to see Brian. My mother even ripped one of the only pictures Lisa had of him hung on the mirror above her desk.

“You can’t see him, Lisa. He’s not good for you,” my mother said.

“What are you talking about?” Lisa said. “You don’t even know him. I’m in love with him! We’re in love with each other!”

“You’re 15, Lisa. You have a lot to learn about love and life.”

“I know enough about love to say I love him. You just don’t get it!”

Lisa stomped up the stairs and slammed the door to her room and put on her stereo. That was my cue to quietly open my door and throw a pillow down on the floor close enough so I could hear what she was playing. Lisa played a lot of different music, but I remember specifically Mazzy Star, that soaring voice. She played her a lot, especially that song. I think Mazzy Star was one of the CDs she bought from the Music Club, but I’m not quite sure. When I asked Lisa who sang that song, she told me Mazzy Star, and I asked if I could maybe borrow the CD and she told me she lost it. I think she was telling the truth too because the last time I heard Lisa play that song was the last time I really heard anything about Brian.

IV. So Tonight That I Might See

I finally figured out when MTV plays “Fade Into You.” It’s late, midnight I think, on a show called 120 Minutes. That show is on the weekends, so it’s not that bad if I stay up even though my parents would rather I be in bed. I snuck downstairs at around 10 to midnight this past weekend. I used the tape labeled “Lisa’s Videos” and think I might have taped over something but I don’t think she’ll notice. I brought my cassette player down with me, as well.

When I finished taping the video, I played it back and put my radio up to the speakers of the television and recorded the song onto my cassette tape. I played the cassette tape back and it sounded really great but ended too quickly, so I taped the song five more times and went to bed. I can close my eyes and lie in bed now for a full side of a tape, a full half hour without rewinding and listen to that Mazzy Star song. It’s so wonderful. It’s the most wonderful half hour of my life. I feel like I am floating and crying and falling in love all at the same time.


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