In 1999, Kelis reassured an apprehensive Ol’ Dirty Bastard, “Hey! Dirty! Baby, I got your money, don’t you worry!” And with her new song — menacing trap edict “Bitch Better Have My Money” — Rihanna has proclaimed herself Dirty’s heir apparent Pop Star With Money Angst. I, for one, didn’t realize Rihanna was strapped for cash but I guess like everything else, giving no #phucks ain’t free.
But who, exactly, is the “Bitch?” Knowing Rihanna (I don’t know Rihanna), It could only be one of four people: Chris Brown, Jay-Z, Jack Dawson, or perhaps worst of all, the “Bitch” could be us, her fans, her Navy. Since “Bitch Better Have My Money” gives absolutely no indication, we should all be terrified because this song makes only three things abundantly clear: 1. Rihanna is not to be trifled with, 2. Someone clearly owes Rihanna money and 3. Whoever does, better have it.
I personally don’t get paid ‘til next week and also didn’t realize until just now that I might need to Venmo Rihanna back so I hope she can chill tight, at least while we can unravel the identity of the nebulous “Bitch” in question. Because somewhere out there, a lecherous, lyrically obscured “Bitch” better have Rihanna’s money. Now if only we could figure out who that “Bitch” is. Here are Rihanna’s most probable Bitches:
Possible “Bitch” #1: Jay-Z
Background: Jay-Z has been Rih’s svengali since she was the other new chick on the radio who wasn’t Cassie. And Jay is known to be a ruthless, Lucius Lyon-y business man when it comes to his cash. He once rapped, “We can talk, but money talks, so talk more bucks!” And while I’ve never actually seen money verbalize, I think we can agree that Jay-Z LOVES money. Could Jigga really be holding out on Rih?
Evidence: In “BBHMM” Rihanna raps, “Shit, your wife in the backseat of my brand new foreign car, don’t act like you forgot!” Indeed, you may know that Jay-Z is married to Famous Possible Pregnancy Faker, Beyonce, but has been rumored to have extramaritally big pimped with Rihanna. Could the “Bitch” be Hova and is Beyonce, collateral for his sins, currently a hostage in the back seat of Rih’s newly acquired Murcielago? Is “BBHMM” a musical ransom note to Jay-Z?!
Really though, has anyone seen our friend Beyonce since Thursday? No?Weird. Well, can you text her tho cuz my phone is dead rn. And finally, did Rih buy the car on layaway, because I kinda thought the point of this song was that booboo needed a payday. This song is confusing.
Possible “Bitch” #2: Leonardo DiCaprio
Background: According to the tabloids, Rihanna met Leonardo DiCaprio aboard the largest ship ever built on its maiden voyage from Belfast to New York in 1912. While Rihanna was stationed in first class with her wealthy British mother, Ruth Dewitt Bukator, and her fiance, Billy Zane, Leo was stuck in steerage, having won his ticket on the ship in a game of poker just minutes before departure. Then Leo and Riho fell in love, the ship hit an iceberg, sank and Leo died but then he threw a birthday party for her at someone’s crib in Beverly Hills. Is it possible that Rih lent Leo money for this cake and now needs him to hit her back?
Evidence: “Who ya’ll think you’re frontin on, like ‘brap brap brap?!’ asks Rihanna in “BBHMM” which, like many of the lyrics in this song, mock simple human logic. Is the cryptic “brap brap brap” a sound the Leo whispered into Rihanna’s ear on the night of her bday party before leaving with another model who is not Rihanna? Look Leo, if Rih fronted for the Birthday Cake, bitch betta have her money. And you’re the “Bitch.”
Possible “Bitch” #3: Chris Brown
Background: Once upon a time, there was a Prince named Breezy and Princess named Rihzy. The couple co-ruled peacefully over the Hot 100 for many years* (*2 years) until one day, Prince Breezy revealed himself to be the worst cretin that ever lived in Neverland or Camelot or WeHo or whatever. Princess Rihzy totally got that Breezy was garbage for a sec, then forgot which resulted in a pretty fly remix, then realized it again, kicked the loser to the curb and everyone lived happily ever after. Or as Rihanna explains it, “Yayo! MooLaLa!”
Evidence: Frankly, I don’t think Rihanna needs a concrete reason to demand cash from Chris Brown. If “BBHMM” is just a three and half minute reparations invoice to Chris Brown, Chris Brown should just give Rihanna all his money and then spend the rest of his life starring in a $2 K-Mart mirror, thinking about all the the lecherous shit he’s done and crying. It’s only fair. And regardless of who the song is about Chris Brown is, definitively, a bitch.
Possible “Bitch” #4: Us
Background: Like most popular singers, Rihanna does not exist without the entire world population, her fans. And in this capitalistic society we are most certainly Rihanna’s bitch. We have and continue to give her our money even though — and in spite of “BBHMM’s” desperate claims to the contrary — she appears to have plenty, while we needed to borrow money from our mom last week to cover our income taxes.
Evidence: Rihanna hasn’t put out an album in over two years, so the mere act of releasing this song, the inevitable forthcoming album and world tour, not to mention all the endorsement deals and free luxury shit that will come flying at her pristine face, means that the most likely candidate for the “Bitch” is us, the pop music consuming public. We are the “Bitch” and “BBHMM” is just a notification from Rihanna to us that she is once again ready for us to give her all our money. Moreover, we better have that money if we’re going to rescue Beyonce from the backseat of Rihanna’s brand new car! Don’t worry Bey! We’re saving you!
So cheers to us, Fellow Bitches! She asked for it and now it’s time for us to spend the next two-year album cycle pooling our cash and sending it all to Rihanna. Because hey, someone’s gotta cover Melissa Forde’s travel expenses, right!? Brap brap brap!
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