Walls
I have respected your walls because I haven’t wanted to pry you open. In the past, I would’ve been bashing at those walls demanding you come out so I could see you for who you really are. I’ve been lashed at or I destroyed the shell (and the inhabitant!) a few too many times.
The people I am attracted to are often private people, deep thinkers, ones who are curious but withdrawn. It’s a delicate process, proving myself to someone.
In a way, I felt that your reassurances about hitting the same note would do better if you heard them with your ears than mine. I’ve worked to prove to you that I’m trustworthy. Because I demand proof, myself, you see. I don’t take anyone at face value anymore.
The status of our relationship right now is uncertain. Uncertainty is a difficult state to cope with, it’s uncomfortable and it’s high stakes but it’s something that I’m not shutting the door on right away because I’m dumb and I am giving you a chance when I have no reason to. It’s the hope… always the hope… that I can stop rattling the bars on this cage, this solitary confinement.
I no longer expect that a person will fulfill all of my needs, completely understand me (even I don’t completely understand myself, and what person ever could?), or for them to save me. I just want a partner. Someone to share my space with. My mindspace, my heartspace, and (because I have gone so very long pleasing others while not being nurtured) my bodyspace.
