The Great Japanese Porn Dilemma

Crisis Alert! Defcon 5! The Japanese porn industry is in dire straights. And no, it’s got nothing to do with a dearth of tentacles (we know that will NEVER happen). Unfortunately, it has to do with a lack of porn stars. Yeah, that’s right, there’s currently a 70–10,000 ratio of male to female porn stars in Japan.

Wait, WHAT THE FUCK????

Did I read that right? Have a slipped into the twilight zone? No Johnny, it’s all true. There’s 70 MALE porn actors in Japan right now to 10,000 FEMALE performers. This would be a fantastic troll on Japan’s part, but sadly it’s true. The 20 billion dollar Japanese porn industry, by far the largest in the world, literally does not have enough men that want to get paid for fucking beautiful Japanese women.

Shimiken, the Japanese Porn King who’s starred in over 8,000 films, has put out a call to arms for reinforcements. His undoubtable impressive libido just can’t do it all on it’s own. He says he sometimes films upwards of 20 scenes a day (Jesus mother of GOD), but with 4,000 new films made every month, that absurd number isn’t enough.

Shimiken, the Japanese Porn King

(If you’d like to watch Shimiken humping a man on live TV, here’s your chance)

So now we must ask ourselves, why is no one willing to fuck these beautiful women? The answer is twofold:

First, in case you’ve been under a rock in Uzbekistan for the last 50 years, sex is a huge part of Japanese culture,. It’s reached a point where there’s game shows, cafes and all forms of businesses dedicated to different “aspects” of sex. For example, here’s a highbrow program where men try to sing Karaoke while being jacked off!

However, this leads to a bit of a paradox. In Japan,the demand for porn is astronomical (duh), but the shame of acting in one of these films (as opposed to just watching one), outweighs all the benefits that I know are swirling around your deviant mind. This same shame might exist in America, but Japan (and many Asian cultures) look at shame and embarrassment as much more permanent state of being than we would. As Superbad once showed us, people don’t forget.

The second reason for this “man-shortage” (mortage?), according to actress Yuko Shiraki, is that Japanese men have become massive pussies. She says men have become mentally weaker, are less macho, and are not as aggressive when it comes to pursuing sex. Director Tohjiro says that these so called “herbivore men” literally don’t get excited about anything, including sex. Ugh Japan, I’m all for the hipster movement, and being as aloof/disinterested as possible, but that is taking it to a level I simply cannot abide.

I want you to think of this porn crisis next time you’re scanning your local dive bar at last call for anything above a 4 that doesn’t have a wedding ring on. There’s 10,000 female porn stars in Japan that literally don’t have enough men to keep up with their demands. I know Johnny-San, life is unfair.

I’ll warn you though, before you book that one way to Narita Airport, these porn peeps are not looking for foreign guys that want to have kinky, videotaped Asian sex. Japanese people don’t want to watch you put your filthy gaijin dick inside their women. Hell, I don’t either.

With over 96% of the population being Japanese, Japan is one of the most nationalistic, proud nations in the world. They won’t let you into a lot bars if you aren’t Japanese, so you think they’re pay you to fuck their women? I’m sorry boys. At least there’s still San Diego Comic Con and Sailor Moon anime porn, right?

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