Black People are Pumpkin Spice Lattes

Published in

THOSE PEOPLE

6 min readNov 27, 2014

I’m sick of you people whining about Ferguson.

Hey, this is just a quick note to all my African-American friends on Facebook that I went to high school with. We don’t talk much anymore, but it’s not because I’m racist, I’m just busy with work.

Listen. I can’t even open up Facebook or Twitter without seeing one of you complain about Ferguson. This morning I got on Facebook to share pictures of my new puppy, and my whole feed was full of people whining and arguing. You’ve even got some of my white friends complaining.

You’re invading my personal space. I don’t even feel comfortable online anymore. And for what? Just because the DA lied to the grand jury?

So what? Michael Brown was a thug anyway. He was no angel, he stole things. Also, the guy was huge! Like 6'4, 300 lbs. Complete hoodlum. Can’t you find someone more respectable to protest about?

And then some of you in other cities are protesting, in the streets! You’re blocking traffic. I don’t blame the guy that drove into a crowd of protestors yesterday.

You’re bothering people who want nothing to do with this. We don’t want to think about it, why are you forcing us to?

Why? You’re not even in Ferguson, so this has nothing to do with you. I mean, here’s something my friend wrote on her Facebook wall, and I think she’s got a great point:

Really, you people are whining about nothing. The law has spoken.

Protesting over a dead African-American is exactly
like complaining about pumpkin spice lattes.

And it’s useless! I mean, look. I know that you people marched in Washington in 1963, and yes, that did something. And I know that women marched in 1913 and that helped women to be able to vote today.

But they weren’t inconveniencing people then, and people didn’t mind the marches. Plus, everything’s fixed now! It’s 2014, we have good laws, and racism isn’t really a thing anymore. You bringing up stuff that’s already over is just annoying. You’re almost worse than those feminazis.

That’s why I agree with my other friend. I know that not all African-Americans are bad, but those rioters are ruining it for everyone:

My friend is in the military, by the way. He knows what he’s talking about.

Some of you people need to be extinguished, for your own good. Can’t you see that?

Didn’t Martin Luther King have a dream, about what’s inside that counts? I don’t see skin color, at all. My policy is that I’m colorblind, I treat everyone the same. That’s why I have you, my African-American friends. You’re good and hardworking, not like mostly all the others, who are lazy and ghetto and don’t speak good English.

Why don’t you be like me, and ignore race? If we all do that, it’ll go away. But if you keep being divisive, you’ll make us not like you anymore, and we might start taking away things we gave you.

All you people that are talking about racism — you’re the real racists (sorry).

That’s why I hate this stuff being on my Facebook. If you have to complain, you do this on your own African-American social network? Don’t you have BlackPlanet? Leave us normal people alone. Stop throwing it in my face.

Don’t get me wrong. I went to college, and I read about history. I know things were bad back then. But if African-Americans would just work hard, wouldn’t that fix everything? I worked hard, and I have a job, and I pay my taxes. There’s an African-American guy at my office, and he’s a good guy. Doesn’t really fit the company culture, so he doesn’t get promoted as often as I do, but he’s a hard worker. Why don’t you focus on being like him, why don’t you fix black-on-black crime?

Look at these pictures. All this destruction you’re causing. Do you think this is going to help anything? Would Martin Luther King approve?

Wait, that’s from when the Seahawks won the Superbowl this year. Nevermind.

But, now you’re complaining about some 12 year old thug who got shot for playing with a gun. It has nothing to do with race! What do you expect? He should have obeyed the officer’s instructions.

I mean, I hate cops too. I got pulled over once in my dad’s Mercedes. I was only going like 30 mph over the speed limit, and the officer was totally rude to me. Pigs.

I hear you’re planning on boycotting Black Friday.

I honestly don’t get it. Isn’t that sort of like those fake ‘don’t buy gas next Tuesday’ emails I get when I still used AOL? Won’t you just spend the same money on Saturday? Is that really going to fix anything? Will anyone even notice?

Or is there some sort of secret African-American shopping network that you’ll shop on, like where you can get discounts on Beyoncé CDs? (If there is, can one of you send me the link? I love Beyoncé.)

But hey, if it makes you feel good, and keeps you from being all over TV all the time, go for it. I’m just hoping for this all to die down before Christmas, because as it is, you’ve already ruined my Thanksgiving. I already know that I’ll have to listen to Aunt Janice yelling about African-Americans when she comes over tonight. Give her one cocktail, and it’s ‘dirty nigger’ this, ‘nigger bastards’ that. (She’s not racist, just old-fashioned.)

I’ll tell you what would freak me out.

It would freak me out if, say, ten of you people were to show up at my church this Sunday, and respectfully ask the pastor to say something about Ferguson. Not being mean (because then we could say you were ‘angry’), just asking the pastor to talk about something from real life, and tell us how Jesus would react. To tell us if He would be okay with us ignoring our brother, if He would be okay with us thinking of you as demons.

That’s why your silly Black Friday Boycott is fine by me. Do whatever you like, in your own time, in your own place. Stay home.

And if you die, just keep it to yourself. It’s probably your fault.

I’m not racist or anything, but you have your churches, and we Americans have ours, and it’s just more comfortable that way. That way we don’t have to think about you. But if you were to come in and, just by being present, make us acknowledge that something is really going wrong in America right now, well — that would be really uncomfortable.

I don’t want to be uncomfortable.

But realistically, I don’t think you’ll come to my church, so that’s a relief. I’m frankly a little surprised that you’re protesting at all, really. But I guess that’s what happens when you get used to handouts from Obummer. We give you a black president, and all of a sudden you want to live like us.

God, I miss Reagan.

Respectfully,
Your White Friend (well, my great-grandma is part Cherokee).

PS: I’ll still pray for you, though.