How to be a Culture War pacifist

These are tough times for families and friends on opposite sides of the Culture War. Young people overwhelmingly support gay rights, while older people skew more conservative on a range of political issues. Gun control, immigration, gay rights, public aid, military policy, racism, feminism — and all the other issues that start fights at your family’s get-togethers — can cause rifts, hurt feelings and even estrangement in families.

By defining pacifism as a “fiery positive” force for peace, I’ve attempted to put together some rules of engagement for culture warriors and those who love them. Some psychologist somewhere probably wrote a lot of these down as rules to any argument, but the points below came straight from my own noggin.

Rule #1: Know your opposition.

This has been the hardest rule for me to master. I want to believe that everyone can engage in a reasoned debate over any issue without taking it so personally that they feel offended, attacked and defensive. But some people just aren’t able to keep a critical distance from culture war issues so deeply held. Know when your loved one is unable to engage and keep your thoughts to yourself. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak up when certain boundaries have been crossed. Read on…

Rule #2: Set boundaries.

No two people can expect to agree on everything — or even most things. Our nation has a raucous and fractious public sphere because humans have competing ideas and our First Amendment allows us to express those ideas. It’s a beautiful thing. The goal of culture wars dialogue should not be to convert another to all your views. But you should have a handful of basic standards of conduct that you defend when they are violated. For example, speak up when someone uses racist, misogynist or anti-gay slurs. A simple, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use that term,” can go a long way toward curbing bloviating and ranting, without shutting down dialogue.

Rule #3: Don’t feel the need to fight every battle.

Practically speaking, if you’re the person who is always offended, your social circle will shrink considerably — even among likeminded friends who occasionally tell a crude or misguided joke. Look for signs of a person’s good intentions and let their life speak of the goodness of their hearts — even if their words are sometimes clumsy or crass. Let some things go.

Rule #4: Don’t generalize.

I teach my journalism students to avoid “weasel words” — those words we use when we’re trying to turn an evidence-free assumption into a point of argument. “Christians believe…” “Republicans all think…” “Most conservatives…” Don’t paint with a broad brush. It will not only piss off the person you’re talking to, but it will reveal the weakness of your evidence-free argument. Get educated. Be specific.

Rule #5: Don’t distribute propaganda.

Propaganda is the stuff that makes you go, “Yeah! Hahahaha! That’s a good one!” It’s the mean-spirited, unhelpful “red meat” that is meant to get a reaction from true believers. It over-simplifies complex issues; it makes fun of easy targets; it trades in rumor, inaccuracies and mean-spirited insults. Don’t perpetuate those things. Instead, find helpful articles, thoughful commentaries, surprising think-pieces that add light, not heat, to discussions.

Rule #6: Don’t be a hypocrite.

One of the real ironies about culture warriors is that each side tends to fail in the same ways they accuse their opposition of failing. In other words, don’t accuse a conservative of being ignorant if you have made zero effort to read up on the conservative arguments you’re challenging. Don’t accuse opponents of being bigoted if you are suspicious of them because of the church they attend. Don’t blame them for all the bad things their party’s members do, if you don’t want to be blamed for every dumb thing liberal politicians do. Do unto others…

Rule #7: Remember why all this matters.

To those tempted to disengage, to unfriend, to write off those who seem impervious to reason, remember this: These culture war conversations get so heated because at their core, they reflect something fundamental to our being. Those of us on the left feel deeply the pain of injustice toward our LGBTQ brothers and sisters, our friends and family of color, our friends and family lost to gun violence. We feel a deep responsibility to care for the poor, and to go to great lengths for peace and equality. We must also remember that those who disagree with us ground their views of God, of family and of morality in their deepest-held convictions. Ultimately, we should debate these issues on the grounds of public policy, not ad hominem attacks. And when the debate gets heated, call a time-out. Share a meal, change the subject and stay connected to argue another day. Minds do change. Hope remains. As Dr. King would say, “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”