How to Survive in the Big City
By Anonymous
I will admit, I am one of the worst babysitters out there. When I was first asked to watch children, my mind immediately jumped to a list of worst case scenarios that could happen to children. This list is one that I have been formulating since I was a strapping young child myself:
LIST OF WORST CASE SCENARIOS WHEN WORKING WITH CHILDREN:
1. Choking on peas
2. Choking on candy
3. Choking … well, just choking in general
When I was a child, I choked on a dum dum sucker, and after being told to, “SHUT UP” by my older sister who was flirting with her boy crush on the phone, I had to quickly learn how to give myself the Heimlich maneuver over our garbage can- ALL BY MYSELF. I’m proud to say, I survived the incident; however, if I ever had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on someone else’s child?- WHOA, way too much responsibility there. I would probably give them a garbage can and point at it while shouting, “THROW YOURSELF INTO IT- DON’T JUST STAND THERE COUGHING! DO SOMETHING!”
Now, thankfully no child has ever died on my watch (Knock on wood…Death tally is 0 … when rounded down to the nearest integer of 0); however, I am what you could call a total “push over.” In other words, your kids won’t die on my watch, but they may very well commit murder under my watch- and I’d be that encouraging push over who showers them with compliments and then cleans up after them since no child likes cleaning up toys let alone dead bodies and blood.
I just want kids to like me, and if you are trying to survive in the city, learning how to make fast cash through babysitting is EXTREMELY important. If you aren’t good at it, you at least have to fake being good at it, and that means buttering up children so that they tell their parents good things about you, so you in turn are asked back to babysit again.
Stumped on what to do with children while babysitting? Here are some great activities that I have done with children that are guaranteed to have parents calling you back to babysit time and time again:
1.Play in the rocks!
Go play outside! If you don’t have a backyard, no worries! Play in the rocks that are designated for dogs to poop and pee in. Then return the children to their parents and tell them proudly, “WE PLAYED IN THE ROCKS!” … Will you be asked to babysit again after the parents explain to you that playing in dog feces and urine is not exactly the activity they were expecting their children to partake in? Take it from first hand experience; you will be called back multiple times! Desperate parents with nannies that are unreliable, call for bad babysitters.
2. Interrogate a one year old!
If you don’t know how to do something like changing a diaper, frantically try to figure out how to do it by asking the ever knowledgeable one year old who can’t yet speak. Want to really spice it up? Shine a bright light in the infant’s face and demand answers, “TALK DAMN IT! DOES THIS FEEL OKAY? DOES THIS CLOTH THING GO INSIDE THIS PLASTIC THING?”
Will you get answers? No. Which makes me believe that babies may be God. But, you will feel like you are a leading lady in Law in Order– and just nailing the part!
3. Make up a Scavenger Hunt!
Kids will get stuck on electronics and want to sit inside all day playing their Wii and wasting their young, innocent, naïve lives. Why not make up a scavenger hunt for the little tykes and have them sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat to a complete stranger as one of the “quests.” The child will most likely break down crying and tell you that his mother told him to “NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS” and that he will be sure to tell his mother about “our little game” when she gets home.
That’s when you pull out the candy … a dum dum sucker to be exact … a bribe? No worse. You wait … wait for the child to choke …
It’s all about survival in the city- and YOU NEED THIS JOB- and if that means taking out a kid in the process … so be it.
