PD Sucks: A Standardized Test
Summer PD is upon us, and to prepare, take this assessment to make sure you’re ready.
You are about to take the Rebel Teacher Assessment for Professional Development Aptitude.
Please use a number 2 pencil and fill in the response bubbles completely. Partial bubbling will not be scored. Full bubbling will be scored mostly accurately. Your scores will determine whether you are a successful teacher other teachers want to hang out with, or a really terrible one who should not even be teaching at all.
If you do not know an answer, just guess. It is likely you will get a higher score that way anyway.
Do not go on to the next post after reading this one. You will be penalized for caring more than you should.
You may begin.
- It is the night before professional development at your school. Do you currently have a glass of wine, beer, or any liquor at all (Mad Dog 20/20 counts) in your hand?
a. Yes (1000 points)
b. No (What the hell?)
2. When you enter the school building, do you…
a. Skip with joy (0 points, and go to hell)
b. Sharpen a pencil, grab a notebook, and wave to the instructor as you enter (Oh, you’re one of those teachers? 0 points, and also, go to hell)
c. Look pretty calm, but are surrounded by silent screaming people (2000 points, and you may want to go see a doctor)
d. Wait calmly, mildly annoyed, until someone says “leverage student capacity” then you flip a table, kick a chair, and scream, “It’s time to pay, bitches!” (You can stop now. You win all the tests)
3. When making a comment on the “parking lot,” do you…
a. Dream of binge watching Netflix shows (100 points)
b. Plan on drawing a dirty cartoon instead (6000 points, and take a picture, please)
c. Stay in your seat and look through your phone (500 points for passive aggression)
d. Use the brightest color so your thorough response will most likely be the one read out loud (Are you f-ing kidding me? 0 points, turd.)
4. Everyone knows to choose your seat wisely in a PD. Do you…
a. Sit at the front table closest to the speaker. It’s easier to take notes that way. (Insert raised eyebrow and death stare here. Should we continue pretending you’ll even get another point?)
b. Sit in the back and pretend you have an appointment later, then sneak out when it gets too boring. (Mad respect, friend. 600 points)
c. Find the rebel teachers who raise their hands and constantly point out ironies and contradictions like the fact that the speaker hasn’t taught in twenty years. (1000 points. Rebels and irony are the best.)
d. Who cares where I sit? I’ll just be sending gifs to the other teachers the whole time anyway. (I like your style. 999 points)
5. When this is over, you will…
a. Line up to shake hands with the presenter. You learned so much and you never know when another job may line up from something like this! (-2000 points. You are a disgrace.)
b. Run quickly out of the building, get into your car, and drive away with all the windows down. Real freedom is the wind in your hair. (500 points. We get it.)
c. Feel really violated, bitter, and pissed off. Age ungracefully and turn into the old cranky teacher who complains about all the lactose in the PTA foods. (300 points. Again, we get it, but surely there’s a better way.)
d. Complain a little to the awesome teachers around you, dig in your heels, and show the bastards what real teaching looks like when the students come back in the fall. Then make them watch. (A million points. You’re the shit.)
Well, how did you do?
0 points: Please just do us all a favor and take the desk job you’ve been dying to get since you started teaching. Have you not learned that there is no such thing as “summers off” yet?
2000 points: You’re on your way to becoming a real rebel teacher, but you’re too tied to what others think of you. Next time you feel the urge to brown nose, remember the words of the wise Joan Jett, “I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation!” Make sure to raise your hand at the next PD. In fact, ask to lead one.
4000 points or more: You should be leading PDs on how to be a true rebel teacher. No, really, you should. Where can we sign up?
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