I hated the article I published on my substack yesterday.
I hated it so much I felt sick to my stomach after I published it.
“You said!” screamed a part of me, “You said we didn’t have to do anything we don’t feel like doing! And now you are making us publish something every day even though our articles are shit! That’s not helping! That’s another “should” that you’re listening to. You said we weren’t going to listen to any more shoulds!”
My parts retaliated with numbing me out so I don’t feel anything, as if to say, “Fine, if you don’t respect your feelings any more then we will take them away from you.”
“Take it down!” they screamed, “It’s not right! You shouldn’t have posted that!”
The article was about not giving your emotions full authority over your life anymore. Not a coincidence my emotional parts didn’t like it.
(I’m not doing my substack anymore, but I’ll link to it when I repost it on Medium.)
Lucky for me, I had been reading Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger (affiliate link) and had recently learned that whenever someone makes a change, they always get a “Change back!” onslaught by those affected by the change.
In their own way, my emotional parts were screaming at me, “Change back! Change back! CHANGE BACK!”
Even though they put me through so much internal pain, I held on, knowing it was a “change back” episode testing to see if I really meant what I said.
When I didn’t change back immediately, an all-out war broke loose.
A war between the biggest three warlords in my inner ecosystem, no less.
The part screaming, “You haven’t done enough! You haven’t done enough! Do more! You aren’t enough! You’re pathetic! You’re lazy! You’re living in a fantasy! Grow up already! Do more!”
And the part that silently puts a heavy blanket over everything and woos me to watch netflix, smoke some weed, play games on my phone, and check out from the big bad part always saying I’m not doing enough.
Then there was the part that shames me for having this war inside of me to begin with! “You’re not supposed to feel this way! You’re supposed to be peaceful and happy all the time! You’re a fucking inner-peace coach! Get your shit together Jordin!”
And my poor mediator part grew distraught that all the big bad warlords come out all at once and only wanted to wallow in their overwhelm and self-pity.
It was fucking chaos.
I was in so much pain, you guys. Not to mention I was also battling some other health issues at the time so my body was in actual physical pain as well.
I couldn’t get myself out of it. All I could do was not give in. I did not check out or numb, I did not push myself to do more more more, I did not engage with the part that said I should not be feeling what I am feeling, and I did not wallow in my overwhelm. I practiced what I preach and just waited where I was and let love catch up to me.
When the typical “workday” was over, my “Do More” part calmed down and the rest of them calmed down shortly after. I think they were all exhausted to be honest. I was exhausted, too.
I had the roughest day I could imagine but I was still like, you know what, I’m going to take a shower, shave my legs, put some lotion on them, make the apartment smell good, get in my cute lil booty shorts and a warm fuzzy sweater, take a small edible, and fucking just see what happens.
Love happened, you guys. Love happened.
I had the most sudden awakening I have ever had. It literally felt like lighting.
I started channeling. I hadn’t channeled in so long. My guides talked to me and I listened. The baggage I had been working years to release was released in an instant.
I was made new. Uncomfortably new. Powerfully new. So new I couldn’t help but set new boundaries — many of them inside of myself.
This article has two messages:
- The inner-war always passes. No feeling is final. If you can stay aware without giving in to the overwhelm, life-giving discoveries are waiting for you on the other side. Always. Literally always. I cannot be more clear about this.
- Your emotions are three-year olds inside of you. Sometimes your emotions need to be felt, understood, and listened to. Other times you just need to tie your shoes and go to the grocery store already. Discernment between the two will save you so much time, energy, and money.
I can help you with both.
I can help walk through your inner-war with you and I can help you find the gems of wisdom on the other side.
I can also help you discern when it is fruitful to be with your emotions and when it is detrimental. This discernment alone will change your life.
Here’s the link to schedule your free coaching consultation session: https://calendly.com/jordin-james/chemistry