4 Toxic Boundaries That Creep Into Relationships
Unhealthy relationship boundaries
It’s normal to set boundaries in relationships.
After all, we need to protect ourselves from getting hurt. However, some people take it too far and end up with unhealthy boundaries that can damage their relationships.
Here are four of the most common toxic boundaries and how to fix them.
What Are Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships?
Before we cover four specific boundaries, we must know the meaning of toxic boundaries.
Unhealthy boundaries are any expectations or behaviors that are harmful to yourself or others in your relationships.
They usually manifest as control, manipulation, or exploitation.
“No partner in a love relationship… should feel that he has to give up an essential part of himself to make it viable.” — May Sarton
General unhealthy boundary behaviors include (We’ll look at four specific boundaries in a moment):
- Physical abuse. This can involve any type of physical force against another person, including hitting, kicking, choking, and hair pulling.
- Emotional abuse. This can involve any type of verbal or nonverbal behavior that is intended to hurt another person emotionally, such as name-calling, put-downs, constant criticism, or gaslighting.
- Mental abuse. This can involve any type of behavior that is intended to control or manipulate another person, such as threats, blackmail, or mind games.
- Spiritual abuse. This can involve any type of behavior that is intended to control or exploit another person’s spiritual beliefs or practices, such as forcing them to participate in religious activities against their will.
Ok, now that we have a baseline of common understanding, let’s explore four specific toxic boundaries that creep into relationships.
You Can’t Do Anything Without Me
When one partner constantly exerts control over the other by limiting their ability to do things on their own, it creates a very unhealthy boundary.
This type of boundary can be damaging to the relationship.
It stifles individual growth and inhibits both partners from developing their own sense of self. Additionally, it can lead to resentment and a feeling of being trapped in the relationship.
Healthy Boundary Alternative:
Spending time alone on your own interests and passions is important in any relationship.
It allows you to maintain your own sense of individuality and develop as an individual. It’s also important to respect your partner’s need for time alone without you.
You Can’t Make Any Decisions Without Me
This type of boundary is similar to the one described above but is instead focused on decision-making.
When one partner takes on the role of making all the decisions for the relationship, it can be unhealthy because it robs both partners of their independence and autonomy.
This can lead to feelings of resentment and powerlessness and can cause tension and conflict in the relationship.
Healthy Boundary Alternative:
Both partners should feel free to make decisions and take action without consulting the other.
Of course, it’s important to consider your partner’s feelings and needs, but ultimately each person is responsible for their own choices.
You Can’t Have Any Privacy
Another toxic boundary in relationships is when one partner refuses to allow the other any privacy.
This could mean going through their partner’s things without permission, reading their emails or text messages, or monitoring their phone calls.
This type of boundary is a violation of trust and respect.
Such violations can severely damage the relationship. It can cause feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and paranoia, and can lead to a breakdown in communication.
Healthy Boundary Alternative:
Privacy and time alone are important for both partners in a relationship.
Everyone needs some time and space to themselves where they can relax without being watched or monitored. Respecting your partner’s privacy will help to build trust and foster healthy communication.
You Can’t Have Any Friends
One final toxic boundary in relationships is when one partner tries to limit the other’s ability to have friends.
This could mean being jealous of their partner’s friends, trying to control who they spend time with, or making them choose between their partner and their friends.
This type of boundary is 100% unhealthy.
It deprives both partners of social interaction and can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Healthy Boundary Alternative:
Both partners need and deserve friendships outside of the relationship.
These friendships provide social interaction, support, and a sense of community. They can also offer new perspectives and help to keep the relationship fresh.
Accepting and even encouraging your partner’s friendships is a healthy way to show trust and support.
How Do Toxic Boundaries Form?
Unhealthy boundary behaviors often start small and gradually escalate over time.
They may be the result of unresolved personal issues, such as low self-esteem or a history of trauma.
Or they may be the result of a power imbalance in the relationship.
One person feels they have more control, power, and authority than the other. This could stem from size and strength, knowledge, or finances.
Why Are Toxic Boundaries Harmful?
“Never let someone who contributes so little to a relationship control so much of it.” — Unknown
Unhealthy boundaries are harmful because they prevent us from developing healthy, intimate relationships.
They create distance, mistrust, and conflict.
And they can lead to emotional and mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression, and even PTSD.
According to published research, they can also impact our physical health.
What Can You Do About Toxic Boundaries?
If you have unhealthy boundary behaviors, the first step is to recognize them.
Once you’re aware of them, you can start to work on changing them.
If you feel safe, you can communicate your feelings and needs to your partner. Hopefully, they will listen, apologize (if needed), and work with you to form healthier alternative expectations in the relationship.
However, it’s not always so easy.
Changing boundaries may require some outside help — even professional help, such as therapy or counseling.
But with time and effort, it is possible to develop healthy boundary habits.
Final Thoughts
I’ve been in my fair share of unhealthy relationships.
The sting of these relationships can echo for weeks, months, and sometimes years. You deserve more than crumbs, shadows, and echos of love.
You deserve a partner who recognizes and celebrates you.
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