I’m at the age where people within my social circle are getting engaged and forming families. Even ones who weren’t, resorted to the dating apps to search for dates and ultimately finding someone to pair up with.
I’m also at a age where, people deliberately try to solve my “problem” of being single. There are inevitable questions about why I’m single, why I’m not giving people a chance, why I’m not putting myself out there, what kind of “high expectations” I might have for a partner.
Before I give off a false impression of a sociopath or someone who is picky, it’s useful to understand the context to which I was brought up. Being the only child, I’m used to internalizing my thoughts and emotions. I am fond of being alone and see silence as a state of tranquility where I gain maximum mental clarity and full focus inward. I am entertained by the countless things I can discover while sitting alone by myself. Nonetheless, as social creatures, we humans crave for interactions here and there, as it is the method of taking in new information and continuously evolve.
However, I can’t get my head wrapped around the social construct of finding a partner, as if I need to search for someone out there to complete my life. What if I want my life to be complete on its own? I value independence and individualism more than anything. My view is, in life you are the only person who you can truly fall back on, everything else is perishable and we would be taking things for granted, for thinking that people will always be there for us. The other side to this is the idea of bonding through vulnerability and that love is a form of co-dependence. Maybe this is the mechanism preventing me from falling in love fully.
Romantic relationships don’t come natural to me. I’ve had my fair share of seeing the ugly side of relationships. Sometimes I wonder to myself if it’s even worth it. Are the good parts to staying together really worth the fights? Are people choosing to be together out of fear of loneliness? If so, what’s so scary about being lonely? Do we form families and have kids because we ought to? Are we settling for mediocre relationships because we “think” we should move toward that stage in life?
What value does a partner provide? A while ago, the answer for me was being there for each other. When I visited the dentist with my irrational fear, when I tried my best but kept getting rejected, someone was by my side and I appreciated that dearly. But now I’m learning to walk on my own again after falling down. The great fortune with being single, is I had to face my fears alone at one point. There is something about persevering through your struggles on your own which gives you a kind of inner strength that nobody else can give you. This is what propels you even further. After going through this life experiment, I find that I don’t really need other people’s support and motivation as much as I thought I did. In the end it leaves you with a feeling of empowerment.
Then why do we really need a partner?
- Maybe someone to share your happiness with, I think happiness is amplified if it is shared. After all, it’s human tendency to share happiness and authentic beauty outward.
- Someone extra ordinary that makes you want to become better beyond the way you want to grow.
- I’m still thinking about this.
With that being said, without these two conditions, I’m fine enjoying life solo. Sometimes social pressures and biological aging can get into one’s head, and it’s important to regain our inner clarity. I don’t think I have unrealistic fantasies of relationships, nor am I anti-social, I just really like my alone time. Other times, it’s about being optimistically open to different possibilities as I strive to be a more balanced person as well.
