Compersion: How to be Proud of Others’ Achievements
Borrowing this idea from the polyamorous community may help.
I love being proud of my friends. When someone finishes a degree, gets promoted, ties the knot, or achieves some other extraordinary thing, I am super happy for them. Almost as if I made the achievement myself.
But I didn’t always have this reaction, and I don’t always have it either. Though the older I get and the more secure I’ve grown, the easier it is for me to feel compersion.
What is compersion?
Compersion is my new favourite word, and it upsets me that MS Word underlines it with a red squiggly line. (MS Word also thinks my name isn’t real, so go figure.)
Anyway. “Compersion” is a popular term in the polyamorous community. What is polyamory? To review (in case you haven’t been involved in dating discourse for the past, like, ten years): polyamory is when and individual has multiple romantic relationships with multiple individuals at the same time, with the full, enthusiastic consent of everyone involved.
People often assume that successful polyam’ers have transcended that icky human emotion nearly everyone feels at some point: jealousy. But polyamorous people aren’t immune to jealousy. Though the community has cultivated ways to address and work through it.
And indeed, sometimes poly people may even be happy for their partners canoodling with other partners. That’s called compersion.
Often, jealousy is a symptom that someone is feeling insecure, or threatened. Address the underlying problem, and the jealousy goes away. — Franklin Veux, morethantwo.com
Compersion in everyday life
While “compersion” is generally reserved for the polyamorous relationships, I think it’s a useful concept to apply to everyday life.
As human beings, we love comparing ourselves to other human beings. I think it’s in our nature, as social animals, to constantly be assessing how we fit in with our social groups.
I know that for me, when I read a story about some super successful Gen Z media influencer, I quickly do the math of our age difference. Okay…they’re born in X year. That’s…seven years. I’m seven years behind where I should be.
Yup, this isn’t a healthy habit at all.
But, as the oft-quoted Roosevelt saying goes: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” You’re destined to misery if you constantly think about how “behind” you are.
So, instead of being miserable, try sharing in the happiness of people you know.
Be proud that you know cool people (pride by association)
Instead of feeling inferior around your peers, feel good that you’re part of a group of pretty awesome people. Because chances are, if you’re around awesome people, you’re pretty awesome yourself!
This, of course, works best among chums. But I find ways to be proud of people I don’t know either. When a Millennial or Gen Z person hits the news for achieving something cool, I sometimes feel proud that I belong to the same generation or age group. After all, older people sometimes think that people my age and younger are lazy, entitled, and uninspired. So when “one of us” breaks this mold, I feel proud by association.
Feel good for having supported your peer’s success
This is my favourite one. When I hear someone from, say, my undergraduate writing program has achieved success, I don’t pine after their accomplishments. Instead, I think of all the ways I may have supported their success.
No one makes it on their own. As much as we like to take all the credit, our parents, peers, mentors, and communities build us up to who we are. So, instead of being jealous of my ex-classmate, I remember all the hours we spent in the same workshop, critiquing each other’s work. I consider it part of my success that the piece I helped critique is now published and impacting the world.
See if they’ll help you
On the note of no one makes it on their own, if a peer has had a breakthrough success, you now have an indispensable resource. Perhaps (if both of you are willing), your friend can give you a leg up, whether that’s through networking, critiquing your work, or providing advice
I’ve found that most people are more than willing to give advice if you ask. And there’s no better source of advice than from someone you already know, who has been there and done that.
Nasty Emotions
Unfortunately, despite all these reframed ways of thinking, I still feel jealousy sometimes. Jealousy is a fact of life, a key facet of the human experience.
But sometimes, what seems like jealousy on the surface are more complex, buried emotions underneath.
For example, I get jealous of people who live nomadic, adventurous lifestyles. I wish I had the bravery to pull off living in a van and waking up in a different city each morning.
But the more I think about why I’m jealous of adventurous van-people, the more I realize it’s not jealousy I feel, but inadequacy. And fear. I often fear that I am too boring, too risk-averse, and that I’ll die with a head full of regret.
These are feelings that I must unpack, but they’re not jealousy. I only recognize them as jealousy because it’s an easier way to address ugly emotions that I put off dealing with.
In fact, selling all my possessions tomorrow to go live in a van may not solve my problems.
So, unpack your jealousy. You may be surprised at what you’re really feeling.
Share the joy
At the end of the day, you’ll feel happier if you choose joy instead of jealousy.
And who knows, maybe you’re jealous of your friend’s career, but they’re jealous of your idyllic family life. We all want what we don’t have, right? *shrug*
So, when someone hits a milestone, share in the joy. They’ll probably be buying the champagne anyway.
And when you hit a milestone, share the joy too. Remember to thank those who have supported you. Oh, and do the rest of us a favour: pick up the tab.
Li Charmaine Anne (she/they) is a Canadian author on unceded Coast Salish territories (aka Vancouver, Canada). Her work has appeared in literary journals and magazines and she is at work on her first novel forthcoming with Annick Press. To read Charmaine’s articles for free (no subscription required), sign up for her newsletter.
