Expectations: The Robber of Joy
I just finished watching this is PARIS, a documentary of Paris Hilton.
To be honest, I saw it on my YouTube feed a while back, but never decided to click into it because I wasn’t really fond of her.
Growing up in the same period as her, I saw plenty of stories about her and her actions. She struck me as someone shallow, stuck up, fed with a silver spoon, selfish, and unambitious.
Why would I want to watch a documentary about someone who I really didn’t respect her way of life and choices?
This time, though, I thought I would be open-minded and see what she had to say, and I am so glad I did. Not only was it well-produced, but the story was compelling and struck a nerve in me.
She talked about playing a persona, putting up a façade, and erecting a lot of shields.
This is all due to her parents sending her away to “emotional growth school” when she was in her teens. It was both about the time in the school and the way she was sent.
At her most vulnerable when she was sleeping, Paris was woken up by two strange men essentially kidnapping her. She was screaming for help at the top of her lungs while not knowing what was happening, and seeing her parents standing by and not doing anything.
I can only imagine the terror and betrayal she must have felt when that happened.
All because she was “out of control” and her parents wanted her to act a certain way. To be prim and proper. To espouse the values she and her sister learned in etiquette classes.
Not that expectations are bad; after all, there has to be a standard level of humanity.
But what Paris was doing was normal teenage rebellious behavior. She came of age in New York, a place where all forms of self-expression and creativity was explored. And it was there, in the clubs, that she found her livelihood. She wasn’t thinking about her family image; she was simply free, in her own skin, bringing out who she was as an artist, and not who others expected her to be.
“My mom wanted me to be a Hilton. I only wanted to be Paris.” — Paris Hilton
Growing up in an Asian household, I can definitely relate.
I’m so thankful I didn’t experience something as traumatizing as her, and you would have to watch the documentary to fully appreciate and capture her pain, but expectations are something I am intimately familiar with.
In trying to live up to my family’s image of what success looks like, I’ve been chasing after the wrong things and submitted myself to needless suffering.
I wanted to make them proud, but because I didn’t major in law, or anything in the medical field, or engineering, I felt like a failure. Add in that I didn’t go to grad school straight after undergrad, that was more proof that I wasn’t going to amount to anything.
I also felt like there was more for me to prove because I had been a child of divorced parents. Because divorce in Asian culture is looked upon as shameful, I needed to work doubly hard to rise above that tarnished image, one that I didn’t even create for myself.
Then there came marriage.
My mother was always talking about marrying someone rich, smart, and handsome. But she never talked about how his character should be. I should have known better than to listen to her, because in seeing her second marriage to her husband, she didn’t remarry someone rich, smart, handsome, or treats her well either.
But still, with others’ expectations in mind, I chose someone who was smart and handsome, and maybe the potential to be rich, but abusive, selfish, and incompatible with me.
I was so lucky that tucked away somewhere deep down, I had a drop of courage and rebellious streak left to walk away.
How sad that others’ expectations for Paris set the life of superficiality into motion; the defense mechanisms and reactions are all due to the trauma she endured. She doesn’t trust anyone. Oftentimes, it is the people who are supposed to be the most supportive, loving, and safe who are the ones who do the most damage.
Paris represents in us how poorly managed expectations can go horribly wrong. My heart aches for that traumatized teen, that person who all she wanted was to make her own mark in the world the way she wanted.
She is now an accomplished business woman and a world-renown successful DJ, but until she did this documentary, felt alone, lonely, and traumatized.
This documentary gave her a way to open up and confront her past, which one of them was her mom at the end.
Her mom didn’t apologize.
I am happy she can forgive, and hope that she can fully heal, or at least heal enough so she can trust again, and find lasting love that is healthy and true.
Expectations are really a robber of joy.
