How to Control Anger and Manage Inner Conflict
Curiosity is the beginning of the solution
If you’re in the business of cultivating relationships, whether with family, friends, a significant other, or simply with yourself then I’m sure the occasional conflict has arisen. Conflict can be difficult to manage, especially in new or unstable relationships. And internal conflict is the most difficult of all. We need to feel safe to get vulnerable, and usually at the heart of the conflict is an emotion that needs acknowledgment.
I am a counselor, and helping my clients to sort through conflict is a big part of the job. I find that there are 3 major reasons why you should be getting curious, instead of angry, when it comes to conflict.
Reason Number 1: Frustration Is A Teacher
We all have our triggers and pet peeves, though some of them may seem silly to others. Personally, I don’t like it when people are late — it makes me feel like my time isn’t being valued, and therefore it makes me feel like I am not being valued. Knowing this about myself, when a situation arises where someone is late to meet me, I can ask myself: does my feeling match the situation?
A lot of the time, situations can trigger emotional responses within us, and these responses could be inappropriate at times, even if our feelings and frustrations are justified. If someone is late, it likely has little to do with the way they feel about me, and everything to do with their own schedule (or lack there of). An appropriate response begins internally, with me understanding my own emotion, and then deciding how to respond considerately to the person(s) involved.
“I-Statements” are a great way to allow frustrations to teach us more about ourselves and our relationships. The formula for an “I” Statement is as follows: “I feel (emotion word) when (the explanation)”. Here is an example of how to turn blaming into an “I” Statement.
Blaming: You’re never there when I need you. I guess we’re not really friends.
“I” Statement: I feel hurt when we don’t talk because I really value your support.
No one wants to be reprimanded and blamed, even when it is justified. Often times, blaming others doesn’t result in actual change, either. When we get curious about our own feelings and take responsibility for them, we can phrase our frustration in a way that initiates a conversation rather than an argument. This allows our frustrations to teach us how to respond rather than react to the situations that trigger us.
Reason Number 2: Emotions Are Puzzle Pieces
It can be difficult to figure out the pattern of our emotional responses to specific behaviors or situations. It can take years for us to connect the dots of our past and align them to make conscientious efforts in our present. The beauty of life, though, is that you’re not expected to complete the puzzle prematurely. You have time to decipher the foundation and building blocks of your character.
Your emotions will determine your behavior. That is the way we function as humans. There are physiological responses to our emotions that are outside of our control, such as increased heart rate, rapid breathing, exhaustion, tears, etc. These are healthy, and should not be ignored. If we ignore our emotions, we are more likely to behave haphazardly to disguise them or retaliate against others.
Our emotions serve a biological purpose. If we get curious about what it is that we really need, our emotions will usually respond with an answer.
I suggest having a list of activities that you can do in response to certain feelings. For example, when you’re feeling bored, practice a hobby (such as exercise, writing, drawing, or cooking). Or if you feel sad, take time to rest, nourish your body, and connect with your community. Make sure that the hobbies that you develop are things you can do on a whim when the feeling arises and don’t be afraid to switch things up if the puzzle pieces aren’t fitting.
Curiosity is never-ending, after all.
Reason Number 3: Goal-Oriented Growth
If you’re not setting goals for yourself, you may feel like you’re lacking direction or purpose at times. An important part of mental health is having a goal-oriented attitude and a growth mindset. In the book, Attitude Structure and Function, a “basic motivation governing process” is the defining feature of structure in terms of gaining knowledge about one’s feelings, beliefs, and norms of our society and culture.
The initiation of goals allows us to gain our own trust to increase our knowledge and abilities while we pursue the things that matter to us.
If something makes you angry, it could be an opportunity to set a new goal. There are so many situations that come to mind with this. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to start a business, and you feel jealous when someone else decides to go for it. That emotion could turn to bitterness or inspiration if you let it.
The emotional responses that we have can indicate a need for new goals. If we allow ourselves to see our frustrations as opportunities to get curious, then we relieve ourselves of anger and open the door for positive manifestations to unfold.
Final Thoughts
If you get angry, and you find it difficult to control yourself or manage conflict successfully — try getting curious. That curiosity can be directed internally and externally to understand ourselves as well as others. When we get curious about why we feel what we feel, and why people do what they do, we allow our frustrations to teach us and strengthen us.
When we create the habit of getting curious instead of angry, we also learn to put the pieces of our emotional reactions together. Our emotions can be puzzling as we pay attention to them, and discover what triggers us. Yet, the rewards that we reap when we get curious can lead to exponential growth as we align our goals to fulfill our potential.
Curiosity is the beginning of the solution, and the effort to shift our emotions into a curious outlook will ultimately help us have healthier relationships with ourselves and each other.
