How To Let Go Of Grudges and Be At Peace
An effective 13-step strategy that works
Everyone, at some point in life, finds themselves holding on to a grudge because it feels justified. I am no exception. Some of my childhood experiences left me with deep-rooted grudges and I believed that I could never get over them. Because of this, I found it difficult to get into relationships because of trust issues.
I was fortunate that my mom gently mentored me out of that dark place and made me realize that by holding a grudge I was hurting myself the most.
Let me hasten to say that nursing a grievance is human and natural. Letting go of something that has almost become a part of your life is certainly not easy. But harboring a grudge can hurt you in the long term. When you offload it, the sense of relief and freedom is absolutely worth it.
As you already know, a grudge can be defined as a:
- persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
- a feeling of resentment harbored because of some real or fancied wrong.
You are now probably wondering,
“But How Can I Forgive and Let Go Of Grudges When . . .”
Yes. There is that cheating partner. A parent who didn’t care. That best friend who ignored you. The bully in your office . . . just to name a few.
These are all legitimate grudges and if you have experienced them, they make you feel vulnerable. What to do? How to let go when these grudges are literally eating you up inside?
You naturally want to protect yourself from getting hurt again. Once bitten . . . you know. And holding on to that pain can become a weapon to use in a relationship. Each time an argument pops up — it becomes a don’t-bring-that-up-remember-when-you-did-this fight.
When you have to be wary about a partner because you don’t trust them, the relationship is almost always doomed, even after apologies are made or when the person genuinely makes an effort to change their behavior.
And yes, there are also times when no apology is forthcoming. Without that “I am sorry” from the person who does not appear to care that you’ve suffered, the only obvious outcome is the painful scar. It becomes a memento of how you were treated badly so that you can use it to get others to care. You think you deserve the kindness, but what you do receive is never enough.
What Grudges Do To Us
Grudges are like acid. They slowly disintegrate our emotional and physical health. According to an article on the healing power of forgiveness, when we are angry and unforgiving, our body gets into a fight-or-flight mode. We are constantly on edge and our negative mindset makes our other relationships suffer.
Letting yourself be consumed by bad feelings for someone destroys your peace.
Grudges take time to grow and fester, and getting rid of them involves a process. Here are 13 steps that can help you let go of them. If you find it hard to do it on your own, don’t hesitate to seek professional help or the help of a loved one you trust.
1. Acknowledge the Hurt
Truth is, you were wronged. So as a first step, describe what happened and how you feel. Write it in a journal or as a letter to the person. Venting this out can be incredibly powerful especially when you put them in that imaginary chair and let your anger towards them loose.
Don’t forget to appreciate yourself for your effort to cope with what happened to you.
2. Listen to Your Folks
Turn to your support system–your family and friends — to rant about the painful details. Use them as sounding boards. But do remember, even those who love you can get tired of listening. And if they tell you that it is time to move on, listen to them. Take their advice. Let go of those painful grudges.
3. Take Stock of How You Are Being Affected
As you wallow in your grudges, it is a good idea to stop to think about the negative effect they have on your life. Maybe you are going about your routine as usual, believing that life is normal and everything is fine.
Yet, somewhere deep inside you, you probably feel miserable without understanding why. Here is the problem with negative feelings: they have a domino effect and if you hold on to them for too long, they impact other aspects of your life as well.
4. Take the High Road
Clichéd I know, but taking the high road is perhaps the most important step you can take to release grudges.
How? In simple terms, make a conscious effort to ensure you are not conquered by negative feelings. We have a choice. Why not make it a positive one?
The grudge you hold on to is like a hot coal that you intend to throw at someone, only you’re the one who gets burned — Buddha
5. Put Yourself in The Other Person’s Shoes
I know this is not what you want to hear, but just for a moment, pause to consider how you would feel if you were in the other person’s shoes. It is easy to say they are at fault but what if you were in the same position? Maybe seeing the situation from their perspective can help you understand why they did what they did. Try and understand their reasons. It might make it easier for you to forgive and move on.
6. Decide to Forgive
Wait — before you say anything — it is a fact that forgiving someone who hurt you is a gift you give to yourself. I am not saying forget what happened or that you should settle. Forgiving is not about getting the other person to act differently. It can be about forgiving yourself for something you did or the way you behaved, along with trying to right things.
Being bitter only holds up your life. Life goes on with or without you, don’t get left behind because you’re holding grudges. Forgive.
7. Realize Forgiving Isn’t Condoning
Acceptance does not mean agreement. Thing is, people have a sense of justice and even if they know that it is in their best interests to let go of grudges — and that they can’t control something — they are afraid that if they let go, the person who hurt them will assume they won, or that the victim is okay with what happened. Acceptance is about understanding that one cannot backtrack and create a better version of what happened.
8. Practice Letting Go
When we show empathy, it enables forgiveness. Seeing things from the other person’s point of view and knowing they have unresolved pain — that when they act in their self-interest it must inevitably conflict with yours — can perhaps help you handle your own pain.
Try this visualization exercise.
Imagine a thick rope connecting you and the person you need to forgive. Then imagine letting that rope go.
You can also practice daily affirmations, meditation, writing in a journal, and tracking your thoughts. When you let go of grudges, there’s a sense of transformation in yourself. You feel like a new person.
9. Think of The Benefits
Committing to letting go of grudges will bring you a bunch of benefits. You will enjoy peace of mind. You’ll get back your personal energy — energy that you were wasting on grieving over and over. You will have a sense of freedom and regain the ability to trust.
10. Don’t Let Anger Define You
I have always found it fascinating to see how people can forgive the worst crimes. Even so, they still have the right to see justice done. My mother was abandoned by my father when she was pregnant. She struggled to raise me and yet she found it in her heart to forgive and let go, rather than bear a grudge and urged me to do the same. She did not want the anger she felt to define her. She chose to accept, forgive and let go — for her own sake — and moved forward. It was tough. But she did it.
11. Stop Playing The Blame Game
I know someone who constantly talks about the lousy childhood she had and how her mother did not care. As an adult, she blamed everything that happened in her life on her mother-daughter issues. Her anger simmers all the time. But eventually, she realized that her anger was not doing her any good. It was not helping her in any way. She knew had to break free from it, take control of her life, and be kind to herself. Therapy helped.
12. Embrace Positive Energy
When we focus on embracing positive energy, we slowly lose our grip over our grudges. And that’s a great thing. What does it mean to embrace positive energy? Try visiting places and spend time with people who lift you up. Enjoying more of these good feelings helps you get rid of the negativity.
13. Build Grace
Grace is a higher form of forgiveness. Practicing grace essentially implies being ready to forgive, in anticipation of being hurt by someone who matters a lot to us — this can be a partner, child, parent, a colleague at work, etc. When we are ready to forgive people for future offenses, we avoid developing grudges.
I know all of this sounds difficult and perhaps something you may not be prepared to do but believe me, the goal is your inner peace.
Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present… today — Dr. Steve Maraboli
To sum up
When you feel a grudge building or eating away at you, do the following:
1. Acknowledge the hurt
2. Listen to your folks
3. Take stock of how you are being affected
4. Take the high road
5. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
6. Decide to forgive
7. Realize forgiving isn’t condoning
8. Practice letting go
9. Think of the benefits
10. Don’t let anger define you
11. Stop playing the blame game
12. Embrace positive energy
13. Build grace
As my mom loved to say — holding grudges is hard. Being miserable all the time is hard. Why not choose to make it easier on yourself by focusing on your wellbeing?
You deserve to be happy.
Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles ❤ Did you smile today?
One of the reasons I write is to support underprivileged children. Currently, the Medium Partner Program is not open to writers based in India. Would you consider buying me a cup of coffee? Thank you so much!
