It’s Hard Not to Betray Yourself for Love When You’re Lonely
I’ve come too far to negotiate the non-negotiables.
Sometimes, if I’m honest, I want to compromise a little. I want to bend the rules I set for myself. I’m lonely, and it would be so much easier not to be if I was willing to wiggle my standards down lower. But lower is how I got here in the first place. Lower isn’t going to make me happy.
But is this happiness, this creeping sense of isolation? I’ve done everything we’re told to do when we’re alone. I love myself. I enjoy my time alone. I’ve curated a beautiful life for myself. I step outside my comfort zone. I jumped out of an airplane, for goodness’ sake, not once but twice! I am facing my fears and living my life, but sometimes, I just want to fall asleep with another person’s arm wrapped around me and the sound of another heartbeat in the room that doesn’t belong to a pet or my child.
There are days I feel as if I am coming undone, slowly unraveling from the strain of holding it all together and being the one to hold myself as I fall asleep. I want. I want. But I’ve come too far to negotiate the non-negotiables. That’s how I messed up before. I can’t afford to do that now.
