No one told you — how our wounded childhood experiences affect our adulthood behaviour
When I first started learning about spirituality, there’s a lot of technical terms on awakening, consciousness, ego, letting go and so fore. Inner Child is one of the concepts that caught my attention the most.
Coming from a single-parent family, life has been tough, mentally and emotionally.
In many Asian families, failed marriages are seen as disgrace to the family tree. My mother has been mourning about her failed marriage ever since she divorced with my father. Given she is definitely not the best tempered person in the world, those years with her being single at home was a nightmare.
Growing up with her constant shouting at home, demanding request and threatening to give me up to an orphanage, I do think as a kid I’ve built up this very observant mechanism. “Don’t do anything to trigger her emotions, otherwise it’ll jeopardise my chance to stay at home.” I always have this thought enact in my head during my junior high school days, and it feels like walking on eggshell everyday.
I feel pity for her. She never get out of her self pityness. Her traumatise experience from our grandmother, which used the exact or even worst method to bring her up. Back in the old days in 1960s, post-war era, the kids were treated as money-earning machine for the families. My mom had to work and do all the housework as a young kid, and if she didn’t manage to do so, she won’t be given any food for dinner. She grew up with this mindset that she needs to satisfy all her mother’s needs before her.
Then she inherited this behaviour pattern when she became a mom. Of course she didn’t ask us to cook or earn money for the household, she tried to do it differently from her mother as she hates her childhood. Yet, she kind of repeated the same pattern by using verbal attacks and reactions when she lash out or when we are not listening or fulfilling her needs.
I was once this person that always compromise and give in in my relationship, avoiding conflicts, and always trying to keep everyone happy. If people argue around me, I’ll be the mediator or just try to do more to make them smile again, even though the situation might have nothing to do with me.
I was depressed, as I never get to voice out what I truly want or what I have in my mind. I was walking on eggshell and being this very observant person with people around me. At work, with family, with friends or lovers, I don’t feel authentic, as I define myself by how people comment or see me. I care too much and it comes to a point I thought I am worthless if I don’t get a compliment or a nod from others.
Life goes on and it wasn’t until I learnt about inner child from a spiritual teacher meditation class, realising an inner part of me is wounded by her verbal attack, thinking that I’m not worthy of love, I need to exchange love by pleasing everyone around me and putting my needs as the lowest priority. I was crying so much when I meditate, trying to talk to my inner child. Pampering her and and understand her needs, finally I realise I’m not doing a good job as an adult self to take care of my own needs.
When I came back to consciousness and rethink of what just happened in the meditation, I immediately understand that I have work to do to heal my past and redefine a new version of me. The ideal type of person — authentic, listen to my heart, and love myself enough that I won’t lower my worth for those who doesn’t deserve me, the person that I always wanted to be.
This realisation is truly eye opening for me, as I finally understand that my behaviour was pre-programmed by my childhood experience, and I automatically thought I need to behave the same as I did with my mother to get approval from others.
Turns out life is not what it seems. No one actually care or judge me as much as I thought. Voicing out my opinion actually make a stand and people do listen. I do not need to find my self identify from others. I need to define myself.
5 years since this Inner Child realisation…
It has been 5 years since I learnt about the relationship between inner child trauma and adulthood behaviour, and how it can affect ones’ lives. I did constant work to release my emotions around worthiness and self love throughout these years. Comparing to 5 years ago, I reprogrammed both my behaviour and mindset to remind myself I do not need to seek love from others, but it comes from within.
I’m contented, and way happier now. Life can be simple if I can just listen to my voice and live my life in the most authentic way. I’m thankful to the teacher that taught me this life lesson.