Use Love Languages to Be the Partner You Want To Be
Love is not always as complicated as it seems, sometimes all you need to do is learn how to speak the language.
Love is equally complicated and also quite simple. It gives off good vibes and a lot of mushiness, the butterflies in your stomach, the tug on your heart, it really is the backbone of every relationship because it is very important. It is a whole lot but something people do not realise is that love has a language and it is very important to know how to speak it.
A lot of people assume that once you know the feeling and once you’re 100% sure that the feeling exists, then you’re good to go, but that’s quite false. People also assume that once they know, acknowledge and understand their feelings, that there is no way they can fail at a relationship but they oftentimes find themselves in situations that knowing what love means should not have allowed them to be in. You might understand all of these, you might know what to say and what not to say, what to do and the right way to behave but if you can’t love someone the way they want to be loved, then it might as well be a project that was doomed to fail from the very beginning.
Love has become a big deal nowadays with people more inclined to put the work in and make their relationships work, so people understand what they want, and know what they would like in a relationship. Being in a relationship means that life is more than just one person though, there is someone else that requires your attention and the love that you feel needs to be shown in such a way that would appeal to them, not just buying them gifts. A lot of people just get gifts and are left scratching their heads as to why their partners are not falling deeper in love with them. That is where the concept of Love languages comes in.
According to verywellmind, A love language is a concept that describes the ways that people express and receive love in a relationship. You must know your partner’s love language as it can help both of you to feel and be adequately loved in the relationship. Many people, despite wanting to show up for their partner, fail to do it in the right way and that causes a lot of tension or could lead to problems in the relationship. If you’re looking to make your relationship better or if you’re just curious about the whole concept of love languages, then this is for you.
Gary Chapman in 1992 released the most profound book on this topic, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate as a guide to aid people to discover true or better happiness and love in their relationships. According to Chapman, the 5 love languages are Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts.
Physical Touch
The first thing to note is that Physical Touch as a love language should not be mistaken for just sex. People tend to limit it to sex, but it is more important to understand it as the intimacy that a person feels when they’re in physical contact with you. That could be via many things such as holding hands, a neck or forehead kiss, it just means a person feels loved and cared for when they’re in physical contact with someone they want to be with. Intimacy is found by touch, and emotional connections are strengthened in those passing times. A simple touch at the right time could affirm your love for this type of person more than any letter you could write or any gift you could get them. There are ways you can show a partner whose primary love language is physical touch that you care about them, these include kissing them, holding hands, cuddling up with them, having sex, a gentle touch when something is wrong. These small acts and finding the peculiarities that your partner particularly enjoys will go a long way in making things very good.
Quality Time
Quality Time is an intricate love language because there are ways that this could go badly despite you thinking you’re on the right track. A person that has quality time as a love language feels love and affection through undivided attention. In the world of screens, there are a whole lot of things that could grab your attention and derail your time with a partner. So, it’s best to keep your phone or tablet or laptop away when you’re with your partner.
A partner who loves quality time doesn’t just want to be around you, they want to be the centre of your world for that time, your eyes and attention on them only for that time. Eye contact is a big requirement here. This doesn’t mean that you spend the entire time gazing into each other’s eyes, it’s simply making sure that the time you’re together is dedicated mainly to them. This helps them feel loved and connected at the moment. Major issues could arise when you postpone the time to be spent together or cancel a date, or you’re just physically present, these can be painful and will hurt your partner. These are the potential pitfalls because getting distracted makes them feel like there are more important things than them to you and that’s not healthy. There are ways you can make a partner with quality time as a love language feel loved. You could actively look to spend time with them, be down to hang out, going out of the way to create special moments for just you two is a golden way of showing your love for them.
Words of Affirmation
Words of Affirmation as a love language are all about expressing love and care to a person through words, praise or appreciation. When someone’s primary love language is this, they want to get unexpected texts or messages appreciating them or telling them nice things. A person whose love language is words of affirmation enjoys receiving cute text messages, love notes, and written words. It’s all about expressing love through words that fill your partner up with joy and make them know what you’re thinking and feeling. It doesn’t have to be 7 pages long for it to matter to them, a simple “I love you and miss you” text could carry them through the day and are usually very effective. It could get really corny, but that’s just life :)
Examples of ways you can communicate your love for them are by freely giving out compliments, refraining from insults because those take a long time to recover from. Having proper communication channels are necessary and frequent communication when physically apart can never do you wrong.
Receiving Gifts
There is a popular misconception about this love language being that people who experience and want a love like this are materialistic, it’s a blatant lie. Receiving Gifts as a love language just means that a thoughtful gift or item received by them shows how much you love and appreciate them. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it doesn’t even necessarily have to be bought. It’s the thought that counts and once that is made clear, there’s satisfaction from your partner and the joy they give off at that point makes it really worth it. The single most important part of loving in this language is the effort and thought you put into it.
Acts of Service
Acts of Service as a love language is a confusing concept to some, but in reality, it’s not that big a deal. It can be simplified as “Action speaks louder than words” This love language simply means that your partner enjoys the actions that you do and the actions show that you really understand them and care about them altogether. It’s all about making your partner’s life easier and these acts must be done quite positively. If they are done grudgingly or negatively, it will not mean much to them and it can even hurt your partner instead of doing good to them. People like to hear how much they are appreciated, but these people like to be shown how much they are appreciated. Examples of ways that you can show love in this way include cooking a meal, helping with their chores, helping to alleviate the stress that they face. In all, doing things for them that show your thought, time and effort are ways you turn up for your partner and they’ll cherish.
Those are the five love languages, simplified with examples and what to do when you discover your partner’s preferred language of communicating love. Something to note is that everyone loves in all these languages, everyone wants physical contact and wants to receive gifts in a relationship. It is just that there is usually a scale and that is why ‘primary love language’ was used to indicate a preference by your partner. It’s all about finding the right balance. A tricky aspect is knowing how exactly your partner loves, it’s all good and fine to understand what to do if a particular one is their preferred love language but lack of knowledge of what exactly it is could be detrimental.
Luckily there are ways that you can figure out the order your partner wants to be loved, Quizzes. While quizzes are not 100% accurate, and they are by no means a scientific method of getting an accurate description with no errors, they help to give you a more concrete definition than the idea you had. The results of the quiz give you a more detailed description of the thoughts, desires and whims of your partner and you know what to do from there. One of the best quizzes out there for this is https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
It should also be known that sometimes love languages between couples are not the same. not tally. You could rank your five on a scale and your partners own will be the complete inverse. That’s not a problem if it is handled properly, but when you realise that you can not love someone in the way that they want to be loved and you’re unwilling to learn or even change for them, it’s best to end the relationship because it could be a lot of tension further down the line. The tension is highly unnecessary.
You should also make sure to not misuse love languages. Partners might start taking notes and keeping track of the times that they used their partner’s love languages and compare it to the number of times their partner reciprocated. This frequently happens and come up in arguments. It’s very unhealthy behaviour and should be nipped in the bud once it is noticed. You should also know that learning and understanding your love language is very important in developing your self-love. There shouldn’t be constant pressure on your partner to always express your love language to you. It’s crucial that you recognize your partner’s efforts, even though they are not exactly your expectations. It can and it will get better.
After repeated experiences, be it a relationship or books or however you acquired it, it’s easy to think you’ve finally gotten the hang of the love thing, but you should also know that people deserve to be loved how they want to be loved and not how you want to love them. Those are two very different things and understanding that will help you in any future love adventures. I have not figured love out, no one has really figured it out but this can make your relationship with both yourself and your partner better. I hope you enjoyed reading it and you take steps to make your life better. Thank you.