The Way We Talk About Mental Health Is Wrong
It’s okay to not be okay. We’ve all been there at some point in our lives. Sometimes, the weight of the world becomes too much and we need someone to talk to. That’s what mental health is about. It’s being able to identify when you’re feeling overwhelmed and seeking help. Whether that means talking to a friend, family member, therapist, or anyone else, we have to continue to speak up to expose the stigma and create a world that’s different.
I grew up in a family where mental health was treated as a hoax. When people would refer to anxiety or depression as illnesses, my family would immediately reject their perspective, and even worse, reject that person completely. As a result, I internalized that message and spent years of my life believing that there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I did. I’d pretend that it wasn’t real or that it was my fault and I simply needed to get better at controlling it. But, that really meant suppressing my emotions.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized how harmful that mindset can be.
Supporting the stigma is harmful because it prevents us from seeking help when we need it most. But it gets worse. Accepting or ignoring the stigma means that it becomes the reality — it becomes the status quo. Unconsciously you start to believe that it’s who you are, that you can’t change, and that there isn’t anyone else in the world like you. That means that no one can help.
As parents, it’s particularly vital because our kids learn from our example. They watch us and do what we do, no matter what we say to the opposite.
But there’s something else we can’t ignore. If they don’t come to us, they’ll turn to someone…or something. They’ll search for information online, find other people going through something similar, or follow accounts that show what they wish they could have.
Before you know it, they’d be surrounded by an endless barrage of content reinforcing the issue leaving them feeling trapped, confused and helpless.
But we can stop that from happening.
By continuing the conversation, sharing our stories, and breaking the stigma, we can create a safe space for our kids to come to us when they need help. We can show them that they’re not alone and that there’s always someone to talk to.
That’s why we are going to spend the next 10 minutes immersing ourselves in the nightmare. We aren’t going to just look at the definition; we’re going to step into the struggle so that we can leave the other side better equipped to tell our story and be the help that our kids need.
If you haven’t read the first post in this series, start here.
But this is only stop #2 (go here to read the 1st post in the series) on a journey into the future of technology and social media.
It’s a future where tech isn’t the scapegoat that we blame, but rather the only guide that can keep pace with our thoughts.
It’s the companion that is always there, sensing our thoughts and feelings, perceiving the things we sometimes miss, and anticipating when danger might be lurking around the dark corner of that next click.
Let’s begin.
What It Is
Mental health encompasses our emotional, psychological, and social well-being seen through how we think, feel, and behave. But it’s important to note that mental health is a fluid construct, not a simple binary definition indicating the absence of a mental illness.
Mental health is a broad term that involves a lot of different things. For example, it can include things like:
- How we cope with stress
- How well we’re able to relate to others
- Whether or not we’re able to achieve our goals and aspirations
- How resilient we are in the face of adversity
In short, mental health is a measure of our overall well-being. And just like physical health, it fluctuates throughout our lives.
When your mental health is positive, you’ll be more productive, feel like you have a purpose, and better cope with pressure.
But on the opposite end, negative mental health can lead to serious and debilitating problems. In the beginning, it will feel like an off week or two. You might notice things like:
- Irregular sleep patterns, either too much or too little
- Not being as engaged in usual activities
- Having very low energy
- Yelling or fighting more with family and friends
- Severe mood swings that cause issues in relationships
- Feeling confused, forgetful, on edge, angry, upset, worried, or scared
But we are terrible at noticing small shifts in our environment. Our brains evolved to detect extreme danger, not small changes in our surroundings.
For example, if you are walking through the woods and you hear a rustle in the bushes, you’ll become more alert and have a heightened sense of danger. It doesn’t matter if there is actually a dangerous animal lurking in the bushes or not. Your brain will still send out the alarm signal because it is better to be safe than sorry.
However, if you’re on that same walk through the woods, you wouldn’t be able to identify which trees were chopped down compared to the last time you walked this path. If a few trees that were the same average size as the rest of the forest were absent, but the rest of the environment seemed the same, your brain won’t even perceive it as important. It’s not an extreme situation; so it doesn’t warrant your attention. Such small changes can go unnoticed for years or even decades.
And these early warning signs look like the list of symptoms of puberty. That’s why so many parents miss what is going on. We don’t know what to watch out for, the little warning signs are subtle, and because we can explain them away with other benign circumstances, we miss them.
But even if you do see it coming, what do you do about it?
If you have no way to relate and have no experience of your own, it’ll be tough to help someone.
So let’s explore a couple of common mental illnesses from the perspective of those who deal with them.
What Anxiety Feels Like
Anxiety feels like you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s that feeling of dread or impending doom. It’s being so overwhelmed with worry and fear that it feels impossible to focus on anything else.
Anxiety is more than just being a little nervous before a big presentation. For someone with anxiety, that feeling almost never goes away. Heart beating fast, chest-pounding & feeling like a 20-pound weight is sitting on it.
Most of us have experienced this type of feeling in some capacity. You’ve opened your phone to see a text that said “we need to talk”, or maybe you were expecting a call from your partner late at night when they were out, and when you didn’t get that call, an anxious thought began to creep in.
In the confusion and the racing thoughts, how hard did you have to fight to stop the urge of spiraling into a disaster?
That’s what people with anxiety live with. It’s constant.
She is Anxiety Spoken Word — Watch the Original
This is a transcript of a spoken word about anxiety. It was written and performed by someone struggling with anxiety. It was written for people with anxiety.
what is it like to live with anxiety?
she tells me she’s my friend that she’ll be with me to the very end
she’s always near and appears quite sincere
yet she always speaks to the things that I fear
claiming that if I fail, the consequences will be severe
that’s when everything spins and the torture begins
she wakes me through the night making my chest feel bound and tight
robbing me of sleep
sharply interrupting any moments I wish to keep
her words distress and oppress
my peace is ripped away and replaced with unrest
my confidence is erased my breath is out of pace
everything I hope for falls away
my dreams and desires rot and decay
she makes me sharply and painfully aware
of every moment and memory of despair
she reminds me that no one cares
that my mind and my body are beyond repair
I’m robbed of rationality
I’m driven by her brutality
she pleads and begs for my attention yet I know
the reality she has constructed is an invention
even though she tries to gather
she will never win
she is anxiety
Do you think you know someone with anxiety?
Realize that their brain is wired differently. Their fight-or-flight response is stuck in the on position. It doesn’t fire when the magnitude of the situation justifies it and it doesn’t shut off when it should.
It’s an overactive alarm system. And just like a smoke detector that goes off when there’s no fire, an anxiety disorder can make life pretty unbearable.
There are many different types of anxiety disorders, but all of them share one thing in common: excessive fear or worry in situations where most people wouldn’t feel threatened.
Show them patience. Ask them to try to explain their thoughts so that you can understand. By trying to understand, you can help ground them to reality and give them a sense of control.
What Depression Feels Like
Originally I was going to explain depression using the same approach as the previous section. But when I started looking through the songs, poems, and spoken words about depression on Youtube, something caught my eye.
The comments are riddled with people, real people, explaining the way that they feel. The sadness, the despair, the loneliness, the hopelessness.
Rather than try to explain, I’m going to let their words speak for themself.
I want to be clear: therapy and medication are extremely valid paths to walk alongside the care of a mental health professional or physician.
But I’m not that. I’m a parent. And I know that there is no one size fits all solution.
Trying is all we get, and we don’t get to give up.
But know that you are going to have to really try, not just half-ass it. It’s a bad idea to just give a fleeting moment of support, like saying “It gets better” or “I’m here for you.” These are well-meaning sentiments, but they don’t actually address the problem. If you’re not in for the long haul, you’ll leave them feeling more alone than they did before you tried to help.
Be patient and understanding. Don’t try to fix them or tell them what they should do. Just listen and be a shoulder to cry on.
Even if you’re not sure of what to say or what to do, even if you’re afraid that you might fail, show up and try.
Because you will fail.
And when you do, you need to try again…and again…and again.
Because the only true failure is avoiding it — that means you’re actually part of the problem.
Why We Need to Talk About It
Everyone in life has to be able to cope with some level of stress, anxiety, and sadness. It’s a part of the human experience. But for some people, these feelings can be so intense and debilitating that it feels impossible.
That’s why we need to talk about mental health. Not just the happy parts or the feel-good moments, but also the difficult times. The parts that are hard to understand and even harder to talk about.
Because when we don’t talk about it, people feel like they have to suffer in silence. They think that they’re the only ones going through this or that something is wrong with them. But that’s not the case.
Mental health is life or death. 100% of us, ALL of us, will encounter someone suffering from a mental illness in our life.
We don’t get to choose who it will be or how it will affect our life.
We only get to choose how we will respond and whether or not we will address it.
Start the conversation by:
- Listening without judgment
- Asking how you can help
- Checking in regularly
Ask the hard questions to get the real answers.
Trying to convince someone to see the bright side or attempting to prove to them that they are “okay or fine” isn’t on that list.
If you know someone exhibiting signs of a struggle with their mental health, checking in, asking questions, and listening are the three most impactful things you can do right now to try and help.
Technology Is Not The Culprit…But It Might Be the Answer
These days, the majority of people, regardless of their age, spend most of their waking hours in front of some kind of screen.
We’re constantly checking our phones, scrolling through social media, watching TV, working on our laptops…the list goes on and on.
Because of this, it’s easy to point the finger at screens and say that they’re the reason why mental health is such a problem. But that’s not accurate.
Social media and screen time are the tip of the iceberg.
We’ve all heard about how massive amounts of screen time make mental health worse. Expert after expert claims that it causes mental health problems for kids.
But the COVID pandemic woke us up from trying to use that bandaid on a gushing wound. It’s forcing us to deal with our assumptions about mental health in a way we’ve never had to.
During the lockdown, kids and adults who didn’t have social connections through technology and social media actually fared much much worse.
UNICEF’s article titled Rethinking Screen Time — COVID 19 debunked the decades-old claims that screens are implicitly bad. The research they cited shows “that for children, the impact of screen-time on mental health and well-being is fairly small.”
Social media doesn’t create a problem on its own, but it can lead someone down a rabbit hole of negativity.
The amount of real-time data that is generated from what we read, what we watch, what we like, and what we comment on speaks about what is going on inside our heads. Recommendation algorithms and artificial intelligence used for advertising have become so honed that they can almost predict what we are thinking.
But what can we do if we harness that data to serve us rather than the big tech companies?
What are the potential ways that all of that information could be used to transform our thoughts, help us when we need it, or simply catch us before we fall into that hole of negative content?
I believe that the world is changing. Technology is now something we are beginning to use in every other area of our medical and physical health.
It’s time that we use it for our mental health too. And that’s what we’ll begin exploring in the next post.
Stay tuned.
