I am moving from the UK to the Netherlands. I can’t exactly say why. It’s a calling from my heart. I will try to give it some words.
I survive, and when I can’t cope, I think about dying. I often feel like I can’t cope and that my future is bleak so I visit the death theme frequently. I don’t want to kill myself because it’s too difficult, too painful, too much effort and the potential for it to go wrong too great. Death, to me, seems like a wonderful place where I can “Rest In Peace” forever. I guess that’s pretty dark. I want to be open about all the dark things.
I don’t often think very far beyond survival. Perhaps because, if I dream and hope, when it doesn’t happen or when it goes all wrong or when it’s taken away, I feel worse than if I didn’t dream at all. It’s a mystery to me what is beyond survival mode. I know theoretically that such a place exists but, in all my life, I’ve not had much experience with it.
Mr Miyagi from Karate Kid said:
“Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?”
Living in survival mode is unbalanced. I want to learn balance.
I feel in my heart that this new move is leading to something else, something good, but I don’t know what. Maybe my heart is dreaming but protecting me from knowing too much because that knowledge would scare me. It sort of looks like I’m running away but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I’m going into unknown territory, into the place beyond survival. Does that sound crazy?
It also didn’t feel like I was running away ten years ago when I moved from Australia to the UK. It felt like something I needed to do.
My life back then looked pretty good from the outside. I worked really hard at my job and at maintaining my relationship. I had a house, a vegetable garden, a car, a dog and a cat. I ate pretty well and I exercised most days. I didn’t drink or smoke cigarettes or do nasty drugs. I kept a clear head, I was responsible, paid the mortgage, bills and taxes, and got on well with the neighbours. Sounds pretty good, right?
On the inside, I was burnt out, exhausted, lonely, unhappy and falling apart. There were deep, dark wounds at my core threatening to push me over the border into crazy town. I was desperately patching the patches. I felt like I was about to be exposed as a fraud or a lunatic at any moment.
It was taking more energy than I had to keep pretending I was fine and all was well so, I quit my job, ended my relationship, left my home and moved far away. I burnt all my bridges. I put 17000 kilometers of space between me and my old life so that I couldn’t run back into it again.
The UK always felt more like a temporary retreat than it did a permanent home. I only intended to stay a year or two. I figured I would probably go back to Australia at some point but my heart was never in it.
I found a much simpler way of life that requires a lot less energy and maintenance. I’m sometimes content and sometimes happy. I’m often tired. I cry a lot. I get burnt out easily. I still think about death. I don’t feel as physically healthy as I once did. I’m still healing emotionally but I feel much more stable. I know more about “me” than I used to.
My heart tells me it wants to move to the Netherlands and have a great adventure. My brain tells me that I’m very tired and it takes a lot of effort and expense to move again to another country. It tells me it would be much easier to stay where I am.
A voice from deep within tells me I can do this and that it’s time to move on. It tells me I’ve outgrown this box. It tells me I’ve only to ask for help and it will come. I’m not big on trust and faith but I really want to to find out what is beyond day-to-day survival. I want to learn balance.
