An Open Letter To CrossFitters

Dear CrossFitters,

Congratulations! You have somehow managed to unlock the mysteries of space-time and have gifted yourself time and energy unavailable to the rest of us normal folk. That you have decided to spend that magical time working out instead of sleeping is really just super.

But here’s the thing. You need to stop talking about it. I know, that sounds crazy and may in fact be a violation of your CrossFit oath but it needs to happen.

Because, you see, it’s not that everyone hates that you talk about CrossFit all the time. It’s just that they hate you because you talk about CrossFit all the time.

So to help you better understand the seriousness of the situation, please refer to the letter below, which is best experienced by singing it to the tune of the Jason Isbell/Drive-by Truckers song “Outfit.” And please understand that this is for your own good, and the good of anyone unfortunate enough to know you:

If you want to grow up to be strong like me
With nothing to talk about but 10 sets of 3
If you want to feel old because all you do is workout
Then get into Crossfit and it’s all you’ll talk about

Well I used to go out with all my friends
And we always made quite a scene
But now I get up at 4 am
To clean & jerk til I bleed from my spleen

And I could probably say nothing
But then how would you ever know
About my low body fat and how much I can squat
Until you want to slit your own throat

Please just stop talking about Crossfit
Don’t ever say your arms are broke
From your deadlift PR this morning
Or your friends will all think you’re a joke
Have fun instead of just exercising
Or don’t, we really don’t care
Just please stop talking about Crossfit
Or we’ll go away, we’ll just go away

5 years since we first heard about it
This cult that gets rid of your fat
We get it you’re Paleo and only eat meat
Like a dinosaur or some sh*t like that

But we’re really missing our friendship
When we talked about all kinds of stuff
Not just WODs and box jumps
Because really we don’t give a f#%*

“Don’t let me bother you with this”
Is not something you’d ever say
Because you only talk about workouts
And ruin everyone’s day

Please just stop talking about Crossfit
Don’t ever say your arms are broke
From your deadlift PR this morning
Or the life from you we’re gonna choke
Have fun instead of just exercising
Or don’t, we really don’t care
Just please stop talking about Crossfit
Or we’ll go away, we’ll just go away

Rad guitar solo

Sincerely,

Everyone You Know

Originally published at dadletteroffice.com on August 28, 2018.