I wanted to explore something that now at age 40 something, I wish I had known before getting involved, stayed with and lost myself, time and mental space to relationships that were unhealthy, dysfunctional, abusive in all ways and in one case was nearly fatal. If I were able to go back in time to my 15-year-old and 20-year-old self respectively and teach myself these things, I WOULD DEFINITELY DO SO WITHOUT HESITATION. It is not to say that even traumatic and uncomfortable situations do not garner experience and growth, because unfortunately, they do, but it is sometimes in those experiences you learn as an individual what you want, need and will accept for yourself, your life and in any relationship, especially intimately.
In my current phase of rebuilding and reconstruction, healing, accepting, accepting responsibility, growing, coming to terms with and bettering myself, I present to you my personal implementation (in a lot of ways) guild to looking and finding the one for me. Of course, anyone can use this guide and manipulate it to their standards and needs. Don’t let me stop you. Use it all. Use some of it. Use none of it. It is entirely up to your choice. This isn’t something that I will be putting into action anytime soon because self-development and living single is my main objective at this moment. But this guide is all the things I am regulating myself to, after analyzing my last two long term relationships, when the time comes again.
“A relationship is something you cultivate.”- spoken to me by H
I sat at my work desk, at meals, on my commutes to and from work, at my recent appointments, during my self-reflective periods and in conversations with some very supportive and present individuals that have been instrumental in my growth and betterment. With their help, I literally broke this guide into areas that I am currently bettering in myself, but that is also very important to me. These areas are associated and are true needs for me in my next relationship. Not one area is more important than the other. This is my end game, no exceptions or I will elect to be alone.
I hope you enjoy this guide.
· How honest is this male?
· Is he honest with himself?
· Is he honest with all that know him and interact with?
· Is he always honest?
· Does he tell white lies to save another’s feelings?
· If push comes to shove, will he always tell the truth even if it might not save another’s feelings or life?
· Will he use honesty in a certain way to foster growth, to weed out deception or as a teaching tool?
· Is he a stand-up male?
· Can he face a firing squad to protect those he loves and teaches?
· Is he willing to face the consequences if he is wrong or he is not successful at his endeavors?
· Can he be a male that can face his deepest darkest fears to achieve something he wants and absolutely needs?
· Is he health conscious?
· Does he take his health serious?
· Does he promote a healthful lifestyle?
· Does he exercise for his health?
· Does he explore natural and homeopathic ways to stay healthy?
· Does he believe that the mind, body, and soul, in harmony, helps in the overall health of a person?
· Does he aid another to stay healthy?
· Is he well educated?
· Is he willing to learn and continue learning?
· Does he promote a learning environment for others?
· Is he a teacher willing to teach another(s)?
· Is he willing to accept being taught, in return, by another(s)?
· Does he know how to behave in the home, in the community, in professional and religious settings?
· Does he have good manners? Etiquette?
· Does he know how to appropriately treat the people in his life both in public and at home (privately)?
· Is he established in his life, community, professional and family?
· Is he willing to reestablish himself if he moves or starts a serious and worthwhile relationship?
· Does he care about or can feel sorry for another’s troubles, grief, misfortunes, hardships, etc.?
· Can he put himself in another’s shoes?
· What does he believe in?
· How strong are those beliefs?
· What would he do or say in honor or uphold his beliefs?
· Can he actively and successfully share his beliefs?
· Has there ever been a time when his beliefs have wavered?
· What reinforces his beliefs?
· Does he believe in other methods of being?
· Does he possess an honor code?
· Does he abide by it strictly?
· When does he bend that code, if ever?
· Is he willing to develop one?
· Is he a risk taker?
· Is he one that can risk for happiness, well-being, growth and the betterment of his own life a relationship, family or a goal?
· Does he take a mature stance, regarding a relationship?
· Does he take his responsibilities in a relationship seriously?
· Does he take his responsibilities as an adult male seriously?
· Has he established within himself that he is mature enough for a relationship?
· Is he even tempered?
· Does he have a positivity to him?
· Can he keep his temper in check?
· Is his disposition one that you can look forward to?
· Is temperament/ disposition situation/ environment appropriate?
· Is he mentally sound?
· Is he wanting to be in a relationship?
· What kind of relationship is he willing to be in?
· Does he want a committed relationship or something casual?
· How seriously does he take getting into a relationship?
· Is he willing to do the work to build a relationship?
· Is he old fashioned in his approach to starting a relationship?
· Is he the courting typing?
· Does his approach jump right in or take things slow regarding relationships?
· How often has he been in a relationship?
· Is he a short term or long-term relationship seeker?
· Is he honest and realistic about a long-term relationship?
· Is he nurturing to himself, his family, his loved ones and/or significant other?
· Is he willing to grow beyond his current state of being, thinking, and environment?
· Is he willing to grow and develop in a relationship?
· If he is the nurturing type, is he willing to teach another to be nurturing themselves?
· What values does this person hold?
· How did he come to hold such values?
· Is it something that in ingrained or is it flexible?
· Does he associate his values on the lines of good/bad or good/evil?
· Is he willing to share or amend his values?
· Is he willing to compromise them for any reason?
· How does he view himself? Family? Life in general? Community? Religion? Others? Current times and the state of the world?
· What is his perception of relationships, marriage or coupling?
· Can he feel, understand and share another’s emotions and/or experiences?
· Does he foster hope in himself and others?
· Does he have an abundance of it for himself and even for those that may be lagging in that area?
· Can his hope become someone else’s?
· Does he possess faith?
· Is he faithful to himself, to his family, friends, community, profession and to a significant other?
· Is he a faithful male to his religion? To God?
· Is he willing to grow his faith more fully?
· Is he of the belief that faith is only given by God or can it be something that can come with growth and development of self?
· Does this person have goals? Short term, long term, realistic, high hope, lifetime goals?
· Is this person willing to discuss, plan and explore their goals with another?
· Is this person willing to extend their goals to include another?
· If their goals do not pan out, do they restructure the goals, trash them or come up with new goals?
· Has there ever been a time when a goal seemed obtainable but ended up not easily obtainable and he comes to realize he needs the assistance of his significant other to acquire his goal?
· Can his goals be his significant other’s goals?
As you can see, this is just the tip of the iceberg with this guide. The above areas are most important to me. I haven’t even included aesthetics and attributes and will not, because what I like, isn’t what another will like. Plus, this is more of the structure of how he should be and not so much how he looks. Your him may not be GQ worthy and that’s ok. We also must realize that looks fade, but the soul and composition of a person stays until the end.
Remember this is a guide and not a piece set in stone. In the future, it may morph into something different, because with every season of our life, we learn more about ourselves and what we want for our lives. Thank you.