A Story of Emergence: My Journey in Self-Publishing
My Memoir
I self-published my book in January 2014 under the pseudonym Jenny Hayworth.
The name is made up from the first name of my paternal grandmother and a derivative of her maiden name.
I wrote a disclaimer at the beginning of my book stating I had altered some place names and changed the names of most people in the book, as well as altering identifying characteristics to help protect the identities of people still living — the real names of people whose stories are readily accessible in the public domain I did not alter.
I published my memoir under a pseudonym. However, I now feel comfortable enough to write under my name.
I have written on Medium about the dream that inspired me to begin writing Inside/Outside: One Woman’s Recovery from Abuse and a Religious Cult.
What my Memoir is About
Inside/Outside covers three different themes in my life that are interlinked and have made me who I am today.
My memoir documents the sexual abuse I experienced while growing up within the religion known as Jehovah’s Witnesses, as well as the sexual abuse I suffered from my paternal grandfather and rape from a stranger when I was nine years old.
I convey how the abuse altered my self-view, emotional development, trust, relationships with others, boundaries, sexual experiences, as well as my view of the world and how I communicated with other people.
It is also about my experience of growing up within a fundamentalist cult-like religion, living within it for over 30 years, and then leaving it. Their doctrines and ideas about the world and how we should act within it had a significant impact on my development and self-concept. I cannot separate the two.
The experience of being shunned after I left Jehovah’s Witnesses, and treated as if I was dead by my mother and all Jehovah’s Witnesses I had ever known, triggered an emotional journey of both breakdown and recovery.
- I explore how the experience of sexual abuse and loss of a mother was discovered to be intergenerational in my family.
- I discovered that vulnerability to abuse and abandonment could flow through generations.
- I explore how the way that the Jehovah’s Witness organization The Watchtower Bible & Tract Society, handles child abuse cases was the catalyst for my eventual disassociation from the organization.
By exploring these three themes within my life — sexual abuse, religious fundamentalism and recovery from vulnerability and susceptibility to abuse — I hope that someone else who reads my memoir who might have experienced similar things, might not feel so alone in the world and might through reading it be helped in some way by my experience.
Availability
I made my memoir available on AMAZON as a soft cover book, large print and also an ebook.
It has nearly 200 reviews with 68% being 4 and five stars.
It has been listed as a No 1 Best Seller on Amazon on more than one occasion.
- Paperback: 346 pages
- Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 1 edition (January 15, 2014)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 1492994707
- ISBN-13: 978–1492994701
My book is also on GOODREADS where it has 98 reviews and 219 ratings. It averages 4.79 out of 5 stars on Goodreads.
For ones who may not have had similar experiences, I have written in a way to try and convey an understanding of why religious fundamentalism can be so dangerous.
I explore some of the doctrines of Jehovah’s Witnesses to try and convey why I state this.
I hope by documenting my experience that readers can see that it is not like any other church where you may go and leave at any time if you no longer believe in it, with there being no real lasting consequences.
My memoir describes how mentally, psychologically and emotionally I was altered by both the abuse and my religious upbringing, and how I struggled to undo specific patterns of thinking and behaving because I wanted a more in-depth and different experience of life than I was having.
- I document throughout the memoir my journey from initially experiencing comfort and emotional satisfaction only from within an inside fantasy world, to that of being able to experience connections with real people and having a lived experience in the outside world.
- I discuss the process I went through of developing the ability to feel and express emotion after years of feeling numb.
- My journey from inside a closed religion to living a life in the world outside of that religion also reflects the title of my book.
- I write about the need for a connection I strove to achieve, not only within myself and psyche so I could feel solid, real and grounded as a person but also with others in my family and community once I left Jehovah’s Witnesses.
- It chronicles my search for a spiritual connection and my search for meaning and answers to life’s questions great and small.
My process of recovery took a good seven years of my life to work through. During this time I left my marriage, left the Jehovah’s Witnesses religion, confronted the sexual abuse of some of my children, plus dealt with the memories and consequences of my sexual abuse.
My identity, my social connections, my family, my community, and my belief systems all changed.
I rebuilt my life.
This is what I write about. How this happened.
This is my story.
Book Awards
In 2014 I entered my memoir into four book awards.
I won the Silver Medal in the 2014 Readers Favourite book awards in the Inspirational category. I was invited to attend the ceremony in Panama, Florida, USA but as I was unable to attend, they posted my award and medal to me. I was so proud and honored to receive them.
2014 Readers Favorite Book Awards — Silver Award Winner in Non-Fiction — Inspirational
Beverly Hills Book Awards 2014 — Finalist in Memoir
2014 Kindle Book Awards — Semi-Finalist
Writers Digest 2014 Book Awards — Honorable Mention
Inside/Outside also made the IndieReader’s list of the best-reviewed indie titles of 2014.
Editorial Reviews
Writer’s Digest Self-Published Book Awards Reviews Judge, 22nd Annual(November 2014):
“Inside/Outside by Jenny Hayworth is a fascinating autobiography about a woman who not only came from a long line of sexually abused children in a family/religious community that refused to acknowledge sins among men (heads of household), but who realized that this rigid attitude was promulgated by (in her case) the Jehovah’s Witness society in which she was raised. She left the cult and was dis-fellowshipped, which means everyone who meant anything in her life (like her mom) was forced to ignore her existence (as if she was dead). This castigation brought on seriously health-destabilizing stress issues for herself and her children. I found the book gripping and enlightening. I highly recommend this book to all readers. It is informative and helpful in drawing parallels to other belief systems that rigidly refuse to talk about weaknesses or flaws in dogma or social dynamics. Inside/Outside is by no means a condemnation of religion, but rather of human ego and intolerance. It is an insightful reflection into one woman’s experience (and by connection, her family’s) of the chaotic pain wreaked by unreasoning control that is enforced in the name of religion or any other kind of system. Hayworth’s subsequent acknowledgment of kindness from followers of all types of spiritual systems demonstrates her keen powers of rationality. She has been through much and her story, though dark and powerful, has light at the end. It is a commentary on the human situation and the struggle for the guise of superiority, no matter what banner society flouts…”
5 STAR — Reviewed by Mamta Madhavan for Readers’ Favorite
Inside/Outside: One Woman’s Recovery from Abuse and a Religious Cult by Jenny Hayworth is an honest depiction of the author’s life. Jenny Hayworth belonged to a family who was followers of the religion Jehovah’s Witnesses. Jenny left it after following it for thirty years of her life. In the meantime, the church had let go of her from their group. In this book, she takes us through her journey of surviving sexual abuse and further working on her recovery and exploring religious fundamentalism. Though the story begins on a traumatic note, she shows us how the experiences in her life change her perception, outlook, and connection with the outside world. From a closed society, she reinvents her life all over again to start afresh.
The book is an inspiring story for those who are going through traumatic times in their personal space. Being shunned by her family, the author tells readers that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Readers can use this book as a guide to help them face their problems and emerge triumphantly. It is motivating to see the author overcome her tragedies and sorrows. The fact that it is a true story of hope and healing makes it more inspiring.
Some of the scenes in the book are raw and honest. That makes it a compelling read. The book is also very uplifting. The author reaches out to people and connects with them through her personal experiences, making the book tangible.
5 STAR — Review by IndieReader
INSIDE/OUTSIDE tells the story of intergenerational abuse and loss in the author’s family. Hayworth finds inspiration from her grandmother, in a dream, to write her family’s story to make sense of her life and family’s history and to try to future abuse.
The author, dis-fellowshipped (that is, shunned and treated as if she were dead) from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, vividly describes the physical and psychological abuse she endured growing up in a family where sexual abuse is the norm and rigid, unhealthy religious beliefs are sacrosanct.
As a result, Hayworth suffers from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, insecurity, and panic attacks, and she retreats into make-believe (including an “Inside Mum” and other fantasy figures) world in order to cope. The author describes how she ceases to feel anything anymore and her inability to express anger or fear appropriately, even after she is sexually assaulted by another male later on. Her mother’s depression, father’s Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, her desire to conform to the strict tenets of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and dealing with her own children’s being sexually abused greatly add to her problems. Like many abused children, the author tries to conform, but it comes at the price of her own happiness.
Reading, being a parent, a ginger-colored kitten named “Mango” and writing bring healing. Writing, especially, becomes the author’s elixir as she learns how to bridge her internal world with the real world and fleshes out her family’s secrets in intimate detail. There’s plenty of trauma, alcohol and sexual addictions, emotional and physical abuse, family drama and thoughtful reflection in INSIDE/OUTSIDE. The author’s engrossing life story is engagingly written, and readers will find it impossible to put down the book once they’ve started reading it.
INSIDE/OUTSIDE is a compelling must-read memoir for anyone who has experienced sexual or religious abuse or anyone who works with the victims of such abuse.
Reviewed by Robin Carr for IndieReader
In Conclusion
I have no regrets about writing and self-publishing my memoir. I will document my experience self-publishing and the steps I took to accomplish this another time.
For now, this article is about my memoir, why I wrote it, and what has occurred with the memoir since its publication.
Writing and publishing my memoir was the beginning of my adult writing journey.
Writing on Medium is my current journey.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy — the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brene Brown
Do You Want to Write a Memoir?
I would encourage anyone who wishes to write a memoir to, first of all, write it for yourself before you even look at publishing.
If you write purely from your own heart and soul, then you will not be listening to your self-critical voice, you will not be censoring yourself as you write — in fear of someone you know reading it.
You will be listening to your soul. You will be opening your heart and letting it all pour out. You will be untangling all the knots and letting in light and air where doors may have been closed for years.
You will come out the other side a changed person.
You will be awake. You will feel lighter in every way. You will feel like you have had a bath, been baptized and then reborn into a new world.
I will leave you with a quote from a brave and magical woman about the importance of examining your motive in revealing parts of yourself, especially if you are considering memoir writing.
She speaks about the need to tie your healing to the sharing, not to an expectation of what sort of response you may get. In this way, you will be protecting and looking after the most vulnerable parts of yourself.
“I only share when I have no unmet needs that I’m trying to fill. I firmly believe that being vulnerable with a larger audience is only a good idea if the healing is tied to the sharing, not to the expectations I might have for the response I get.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
