Do You Keep Busy so You Don’t Have Time to Feel?
Many people fear solitude as it means that the things they don’t want to think about have time and space to surface, so they get super busy again, so they don’t have time to think.
BUT here is the paradox — the longer we stuff things down — (it is like pumping a tyre full of air and never stopping) the more energy it takes to keep the lid pushed down, and the more pressure builds up.
Tiredness and disconnection from self/numbness
We end up getting super tired due to all the energy it is taking to keep everything pushed down,
AND;
if we are pushing things down due to the sadness or anger it arouses in us when we think about them — then all the other feelings are also pushed down (like happiness and joy).
We eventually can end up feeling numb or disconnected from everything and everyone as we no longer have access to any of our feelings/emotions.
Meltdowns, outbursts or breakdowns (or disease)
Eventually, whether in one or two years or decades later — some minor trigger will mean that our emotional lid will come off and everything will come out (commonly known as having a breakdown or a meltdown)
OR
our body says NO and we will become physically sick.
Some people experience regular seemingly uncontrollable outbursts where something seemingly minor means they have an explosion of emotional energy (all the suppressed emotion that they have been pushing down is suddenly released) as they no longer can hold it back, and the minor trigger was the final point where they could not hold on anymore.
These outbursts can be angry outbursts or else overwhelming sadness expressed as uncontrolled crying.
ALLOWING time to feel; NOT be busy, BEING quiet
So, here is the thing.
The key is to have regular periods of solitude and alone time, where we are NOT busy.
ALLOW yourself time to FEEL your feelings.
When the feelings come up in you, just sit with them.
Have an air of curiosity about your feelings, like you are an observer of your body and you are watching and wondering:
- What does it feel like inside your body (under your skin)?
- Do you feel pressure, hardness like a lump, a moving feeling, a heaviness, or a light fluttery feeling?
- Where do you feel this? Is it in more than one place?
Sit and observe quietly for a while.
You may notice tears or thoughts come up suddenly about some past situation or current situation.
Observe them. Do not push them away.
Get curious. Watch with an air of curiosity and wonder. What is your body trying to say?
- Has the feeling in your body changed?
- Has it moved?
- Is it somewhere different?
- Does it feel different?
- Do you feel hot or cold?
- Are you shivering?
Quietly sit and let your mind travel inwards as if you had a pair of x-ray glasses on and could shrink yourself to travel inside your body and have a look around and explore.
Remember, the physiological response in our body we feel as an EMOTION, only lasts for 90-second bursts.
An emotional response is like a wave; it ebbs and flows.
So, just BREATHE.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, then breathe in for the count of three, hold for a count of two, and breathe out for a count of six. Continue to do so until you feel calmer.
ALLOW space and time to let your feelings be expressed.
Showing feelings and allowing room for them to move through the body and out the body by means of our emotions, means that we do not become disconnected from ourselves, and we remain grounded, and feel “real” rather than feel “numb” or “unreal” or disassociated.
If you start to feel overwhelmed
If you start to feel overwhelmed, can you find a part of your body that feels safe?
Maybe an earlobe or back of your hand or somewhere else.
If you can, focus on that for a minute or two until you feel your heartbeat slower and calmer and the feelings dissipate a bit.
Internal and external resources to help us feel safe
If you can’t find a safe place in your body, then do you have a favourite object that you can hold that is calming?
Or; do you have a favourite place you can recall where you feel safe and you love, and can you hold the thought of that place in your mind and think of it for a moment?
The secret of the success of this exercise is to employ as many senses and as much detail as possible when you are remembering a safe and pleasant place.
Try and make a list at a time when you are not feeling overwhelmed of all the things you can do on your own, or with others, that help you feel safe and grounded. For example a few suggestions are; going for a walk, dancing to music, listening to a favorite podcast, ringing a friend, preparing a favorite meal, walking with bare feet on the grass, having a bath, writing in your journal, doing a few starjumps (if you are numb and shutting down).
Learning to feel safe in our body
Our bodies are the vehicle in which we travel through life on this earth inhabiting.
If we cannot feel safe in our bodies, due to stored bad memories, then rather than expending more and more energy trying to keep the lid “closed” let us gently and compassionately spend time alone, and sit and focus and listen to our body and allow emotion if it wants to surface to come up.
If you have been pushing the emotion down for many years, even decades, learning to sit with your body and just BE with your body will feel strange and uncomfortable, weird even, or stupid.
But this is only as you are not used to it.
It may take weeks, or even months, of regular practice, sitting with your body and focusing your mind inward, gently and curiously, for you to actually be able to notice any differences or changes or sensations, especially if you have disconnected your awareness from your body over decades.
It is like you are shrinking yourself down to a tiny miniature version of you, and are going inside your body like your on an expedition in a submarine, and you are looking around with curiosity.
But it will happen.
Everyone is different and unique.
Sometimes, it is easier when we are feeling a strong emotion, to focus our awareness and go inward with curiosity as these emotions create a greater physical response and therefore can be easier for us to identify.
We may notice areas of tension, tightness, heat, heaviness, fluttering, our heart may be racing, it may be difficult to catch our breath, our diaphragm may be really constricted, our throat may feel tight and closed, or we may feel physical sensations of pain.
If you want to feel connected and grounded; whole and not empty, numb; or overwhelmed with outbursts, then learning to reconnect with your body is the way to do this.
Our body and our nervous system are the ways in which we connect to self and to others and the world.
Early childhood messages absorbed by the body
If you are given messages like:
- Stop that crying, stop being a baby, stop acting like a girl
- Don’t talk to me like that
- Don’t you dare be angry
- Don’t you dare raise your voice
- Put anger away from you
- Anger is evil and from the Devil
- Suck it up
- Be a man
then these sort of messages (and I am not blaming anyone’s parents here as everyone only does the best with what they know) are how you learn to suppress and shut down emotion, especially sadness and anger, as being non-acceptable.
If you add any sort of abuse directed at you (emotional, physical, psychological, sexual) then it is even more likely that you will have learned certain emotions were not safe to show or were a sign of weakness or lack of morals or spiritual strength.
Self-compassion, gentleness and self-acceptance
Learning to trust your body again with all its wisdom, innate healing power, and learning to LOVE your body, and your self that resides within
AND
showing love, compassion and self-acceptance are THE keys to healing and feeling stronger and happier and more fulfilled.
SHAME is never the key to change.
Self-compassion and self-acceptance are the keys.
Honouring and noticing our physical body and allowing emotions time and space to come to the surface is a step towards reconnecting.
Not allowing our inner critic to judge or shame us when these emotions arise (along with memories) is also important but I will write further on that another time.
Originally published at https://compassionateconnection.com.au on August 21, 2019.
Deborah lives in Longreach, Queensland, Australia with her husband and little dog Lily. She has six adult children (and four beautiful grandchildren) who live throughout Australia. She is a published author and artist.
