Feeling Too Ugly/Too Fat as a Mother
Not Wanting to Embarrass My Adult Children
Never forget for a minute not only did you grow under my heart but in it ~ unknown
I want my adult children to be proud of me.
I want to feel like they can look up to me, and learn from me, and that they always know I will be here for them. I want them to be proud to show me off. To have a photograph with me. To be seen in public with me.
But sometimes lately it feels like they have overtaken me. They are actually self-actualizing people who are doing well in their relationships, are handling money at their ages better than I ever did until recently and are looking after their health (eating healthy food and exercising) in ways I have never done.
Don’t get me wrong. I WANT them to be doing so well. I am so proud of them all and their partners.
They have shared with me about the way they have struggled at times to maintain good body image and actively look after themselves not just physically, but also spiritually, emotionally, financially and mentally.
My daughters in particular credit my leaving the religion of my childhood and the hardships we went through when I was a single mother (including my openness in sharing my challenges with mental health, finances, weight, and depression) as being instrumental in the development of their critical thinking and exploring of these issues in their own lives.
But, just lately I am feeling embarrassed when I go down and see them.
I am so aware of being overweight when they are all a healthy weight and all work hard in exercising and fitness, attending the gym or doing other forms of regular exercise.
None of them EVER say anything to me about my being overweight. Not, EVER.
This is about how I am currently feeling inside of me when I am with them.
It is a feeling inside of me of — acute shame. Of feeling less than.
Of being aware that I haven’t yet got it together in this area and they have. Of being aware when I am around their partners that although they don’t say anything — I am a fat mother-in-law and how that must be for them.
I know I don’t know what they are thinking or feeling. They may NEVER believe this. EVER.
But, I never want my children or their partners to be embarrassed to have me around. And I am scared they are.
And, just lately I am feeling embarrassed being around them as I am thinking this way. I am feeling embarrassed at being me — a fat person around so many healthy young, vibrant people.
I feel I should have known better. Done better. I shouldn’t have let myself get this way. I should have recognized and dealt with my past work issues better than I did and sooner than I did.
They would never say anything to me, but I find myself holding back visiting sometimes, or going out to places with them, as I do not want to feel so exposed. I do not want to be seen with them and have them have to deal with being embarrassed by being seen with me.
I LOVE being with them. But I find myself withdrawing. I am scared what my daughter or sons-in-law think about me as a person. Do they see me as lazy for being overweight? A person lacking in self-discipline? I know their parents are not obese so am I looked down upon?
I know I judge myself as all these things. Maybe more harshly than they ever think or feel.
But, I am scared.
Plenty of articles are written about how children of overweight parents are bullied more at school and go on to have more weight issues themselves as adults.
In nearly all cases the children do not share what is happening with the parent as they do not wish to hurt them, but they are embarrassed by the situation.
A question on Quora “Are children embarrassed to have an obese parent?” answered that most children were embarrassed by an obese parent. Mainly due to others disrespecting or ridiculing their parent when they were at school. Also, children worried about the parent having health issues due to their weight.
My weight was piled on well after my children had grown up and left home. It has been something that I have struggled with in later years after experiencing bullying and gaslighting behaviors for over two years at my last workplace and consequently a resurgence of my depression and complex PTSD symptoms (when I started emotionally eating).
I take responsibility for becoming overweight.
I have finished 2018–10kg lighter than when I started. I had aimed to lose more, but I stalemated in the last three months.
I have been working hard on accepting and loving myself ‘as I am’ which is (30kg overweight) while walking each day (my form of exercise) and being careful of the number of calories I consume. But it is hard. I keep stopping and then starting again. I keep picking myself back up.
But, I noticed when I went down to see all the children this Christmas how emotional about it all I felt inside of me.
I was acutely aware for the first time of how desperately I don’t want them ever to reject me, or think less of me. I am aware of my faults and failings. I am aware of how fragile is the framework of my self-esteem. My youngest daughter who is 25 years old is about to give birth to my first grandchild. We have been talking a lot about what sort of parents her and her partner are wanting to be to their child. Maybe, discussions around this have activated my memories and fears of where I feel I failed as a parent, and where I wish I had done differently or better. I know that at times on my own I have felt tears arise and felt quite emotional without really being able to pinpoint why.
Becoming a grandparent feels like such a special thing. It reminds me of how fragile life is and how much of a miracle it is that a strong, healthy baby is about to be born. So many things can go wrong. We are so resilient as humans- but we are also so complicated. There is such an interweaving of genetics and family history as well as environmental factors that predict and influence how a child grows and turns out. Being a parent opens up all the insecurities and flaws of your parenting, and also opens up to you how powerful your actions can be on the development of the self-esteem and nature of the little child you are entrusted to care and nurture.
I step back into myself, and I feel stronger when I exercise self-compassion for myself when I can forgive myself for what led to my overeating and when I remember what I have done and continue to do to heal. It has been such hard work recovering from mental illness (depression and PTSD). One of the hardest things I have done in my life. It has required much energy to dig deep and find a place within me, that I can trust. And to know that I can build self-acceptance and find a place where I do feel worthy and okay and whole and where I tell myself, I am loveable, and believe it.
But, then come these moments. Where the full force of acute embarrassment and shame hit me and when I am aware of how fragile is my self-concept and my internal strength. I realize that when I am most wishing acceptance and to feel connection desperately with people all my insecurities are activated — my fear of not being good enough is triggered.
I recently made some decisions about minimizing contact with a family member who has been toxic for me to be around, but I had not listened to my body until recently. Being around this person always led to me becoming quite ill physically and emotionally, but I felt for a long time that something was wrong with me for feeling this way. It has taken some work with a therapist for me to realize that listening to my body’s reaction is healthy and is a way for me to act in harmony with it and be stronger. I had to confront long-held false beliefs my brain threw up at me about ‘family’ that was blocking me from doing what was right and healthy for me.
Having recently made these decisions has perhaps left me in quite a vulnerable position of considering what I am like for others to be around and activating fears of maybe them not wanting me. This has left me I think feeling quite vulnerable. The big difference is that I am not abusive and domineering towards my adult children or their partners. Not, in any way. So it is an entirely different situation, but I think seeing all my family over Christmas at the same time as my setting boundaries with someone else, has brought up these inner insecurities and feelings.
I know I am lovable and worthy. I will keep repeating my affirmations. I will keep expressing love and acceptance for my physical body.
I will keep up my walking and continue to make healthier food choices. I am aware of my emotional eating triggers.
I can let go the shame and feelings and thoughts of being less than and not good enough. I can consciously let these go when they come up into my head and heart.
“Be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop” ~ Rumi
So, I contemplate, and I sit still, and I breathe. All these feelings and emotions that being a mother (even though my children have grown) bring out in me. I know they are my emotions alone to process. They belong to me.
These feelings that arise indicate that there is still work for me to do in loving myself fully. Internal shame is still lingering in my cells and my soul.
It is interesting where these feelings that hit ‘out of the blue’ seemingly come. Feelings that are gut-wrenching, make me feel sick in my throat and painful in the solar plexus.
Fear of rejection and of not belonging. A strong desire for connection and love of family. Wanting above all else to be valued, to be accepted and also to bestow love unlimited and unconditionally.
But, first of all, I must come back to myself.
Love me first. Love me. Love.
I can do this.
“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did — that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that — a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”
― Debra Ginsberg
