My Dog’s Philosophy of Life
In a Nutshell
“Dogs never bite me. Just humans.”
― Marilyn Monroe
- Drink plenty of clean water every day.
- Preferably in a clean bowl (oh, I mean glass).
- Eat one main meal a day (and a couple of nutritious snacks).
- Don’t rush in to eat.
- Wait until your master (or mistress) is ready.
- After eating, say thanks by licking (I mean kissing) the hand that fed you.
- Go on at least one walk a day.
- Stop to smell the flowers.
- Wag your tail (I mean smile) at everyone you see.
- Jubilantly greet everyone who comes to your home (especially those who live there permanently).
- Whimper (or exclaim) in happiness, and jump up and down repeatedly.
- Never admit to a deadly f@#t (especially if smelly).
- Lay or sit very still and do not make eye contact.
- At the first opportunity you will not be missed, slink away and attend to your ablutions quietly.
- Take at least one bath a week (wash all your parts thoroughly).
- In between a quick wash will do (preferably have a close companion lick you all over, but if that is not possible then a quick shower will suffice). I suppose.
- Make sure you have a super comfy place to sleep (a queen-sized or king bed is best).
- Clean sheets to lay on
- Somewhere you can spread eagle and lay right out.
- Make sure you can sleep undisturbed for at least 8 hours.
- A pillow to put your head on is nice.
- Give away plenty of licks (I mean kisses) to those you love.
- Sit as close as you can to the person you love the most (every opportunity you get)
- Lean on them.
- Let them play with your hair, stroke your head, rub behind your ears and whisper to you how much they love you while rubbing your cheeks vigorously.
- Do not say a word but look at them with a direct wide-eyed gaze of open affection (the fewer words spoke the better).
- Turn around 3 x in a tight circle before you pass a bowel motion (otherwise known as a №2).
- Don’t ask why it is just what you have to do.
- Make sure you have been trained to only do №2 in one spot at all times at your place of residence.
- Never go to the toilet when anyone is watching you (always make sure you are out of sight). Shut the door boys.
- If your most favorite human in the whole world is talking to you, look at them closely and give them your full attention when they speak.
- Never take your eyes off their face.
- Make sure your ears are pricked up.
- You have a well-groomed coat.
- And your tail thumps in time with their questions (Nod, your head).
- Never underestimate the value of simply playing (with others and on your own).
- Growl (DON’T BITE).
- If you have to show your teeth then advance slowly.
- Do so with intent and determination.
- Never take your eyes off the threat.
- Make sure your tail is out straight, and you widen your stance (It scares people).
Always be up for car rides, walks on the beach (walks anywhere), be open to new food experiences, let yourself be groomed, eat up all your food, listen attentively, lick the hand that feeds you, always be willing to go on a road trip, and listen without complaint to whatever music is on (never adjust the volume).
Finally, when you are in the car, sit next to the window that is down and let the wind blow the hair over your face, close your eyes, and enjoy the ride gazing out at the world, in appreciation and excitement at all you see.