‘Some Days’
Melancholy Sadness (A Poem)
A Reflection
Some days, I am more than just a little bit blue
It feels like I am worn down inside
Life is too much, too hard
I want to binge, comfort myself with sugar
Drink coffee, and order take-out
Some days, the sadness permeates through me
Like water through stockings
Seeping from the inside out until I am left saturated
I cannot fight it
I realize that after years of trying
It just is
Some days, I do the best I can, with what I have and the skills I have learned
I focus on what I can do
I achieve something
I do not focus on what I am not doing
I think “brain over binge” and allow myself, to eat, but self regulate
No more, entirely out of control but no more ‘tightly controlled’ either
It is enough to be kind to myself
Some days, I realize that battling this demon of depression is
a lifelong habit I need to become familiar with
I have moments, days and weeks where I start to wonder, “Am I free?”
Then, on a day like today, the existential angst weighs heavily
My self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are only just hanging in there
I make sure I don’t let go
But, hanging on the end of a fishing line, is still pretty damn pathetic
Isn’t it?
Some days, I know that when I go to bed at night, it is enough that
I have not self-harmed
I have made efforts to be loving and accepting of exactly where I am at
I live with depression and deep melancholy sadness that wells up within me
Unbidden, and unwanted, like a bad smell from a rotten potato in a drawer you forgot about
I chuck out the potato, but the smell lingers
Some days, thinking about people living in war-torn countries, people starving to death
And all the things I should be grateful for
Just makes it worse
Make me worse
I feel even more guilty for being swamped in malaise
What right do I have to be sad?
A sadness I can’t even really put the finger on, that doesn’t even attempt to
dress itself up as something ‘important’ enough to put on clothes and makeup and be recognizable
God damn it
Today, I am looking forward to going to bed and sleeping
It is enough
Tomorrow is another day
