‘Some Days’

Melancholy Sadness (A Poem)

A Reflection

Some days, I am more than just a little bit blue

It feels like I am worn down inside

Life is too much, too hard

I want to binge, comfort myself with sugar

Drink coffee, and order take-out

Some days, the sadness permeates through me

Like water through stockings

Seeping from the inside out until I am left saturated

I cannot fight it

I realize that after years of trying

It just is

Some days, I do the best I can, with what I have and the skills I have learned

I focus on what I can do

I achieve something

I do not focus on what I am not doing

I think “brain over binge” and allow myself, to eat, but self regulate

No more, entirely out of control but no more ‘tightly controlled’ either

It is enough to be kind to myself

Some days, I realize that battling this demon of depression is

a lifelong habit I need to become familiar with

I have moments, days and weeks where I start to wonder, “Am I free?”

Then, on a day like today, the existential angst weighs heavily

My self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are only just hanging in there

I make sure I don’t let go

But, hanging on the end of a fishing line, is still pretty damn pathetic

Isn’t it?

Some days, I know that when I go to bed at night, it is enough that

I have not self-harmed

I have made efforts to be loving and accepting of exactly where I am at

I live with depression and deep melancholy sadness that wells up within me

Unbidden, and unwanted, like a bad smell from a rotten potato in a drawer you forgot about

I chuck out the potato, but the smell lingers

Some days, thinking about people living in war-torn countries, people starving to death

And all the things I should be grateful for

Just makes it worse

Make me worse

I feel even more guilty for being swamped in malaise

What right do I have to be sad?

A sadness I can’t even really put the finger on, that doesn’t even attempt to

dress itself up as something ‘important’ enough to put on clothes and makeup and be recognizable

God damn it

Today, I am looking forward to going to bed and sleeping

It is enough

Tomorrow is another day