Why Being Married to Another Writer is so Awesome
“I think all writing is a disease. You can’t stop it.”
— William Carlos Williams
Oh, I so love this quote, because it is true!
And another writer gets this.
I am not too sure that anyone else but another writer would put up with living with me.
Obsessive Boring Routine
I write from 5 am in the morning.
I break to go on a walk (sometimes). I go and work at my “other job” usually between 10–2 pm each weekday.
I know.
I am so lucky to be able to earn enough working part-time to make ends meet and devote the rest of my time to more serious and meaningful endeavors, which are my writing, and art.
Then I come home and write, research and edit. Or, I think about writing. Or, I read. Copiously. Until about 9 p.m. (sometimes later).
I also meditate in 15-minute spurts as often as I can during the day, and if I have not walked in the morning, I will walk later in the evening. My hubby usually comes with me at this time.
“Write. Rewrite. When not writing or rewriting, read. I know of no shortcuts.”
— Larry L. King, WD
My husband is also a writer.
I think we both can put up with each other and our obsessive natures about writing as we both GET it.
We both understand each other and our need to write.
Sometimes if we have the family (our adult children) or others come to stay for short periods, and we have to make an effort actually to socialize we both go through withdrawals. We get the twitch happening.
We ache to stop the talking, the boardgames, watching news or television, going out to eat, to see bands and to see the sights — and we both long to be back home in our routine.
We LOVE having people come. But we equally LOVE to see them go.
When it is just the two of us, we usually eat dinner together. We chat about our day (often what we read, what we are writing about, how we may be stuck, frustrated, excited, or new ideas). We then both retreat to our separate favorite spots for writing and we continue silently writing.
We LOVE our routine.
We sometimes get up, stretch and make a coffee or cup of tea for each other. Sometimes I am so in the flow, I catch a sudden glimpse of my husband as he leaves the room and I realize a steaming hot cup of tea is next to me. He gets it. I do the same for him during the days/nights.
We don’t interrupt. We have short breaks. We make each other snacks or ask each other when we are making one? We work in quiet.
I work great whatever noise is around me, but my husband requires silence.
I can block everything out and he cannot block ANYTHING out.
So we both accommodate each other in this regard. Silence is fine.
Writing Enriches Us
We feel alive when we are writing. It nourishes us.
When we come together and meet we are FULL to the brim of things to talk about, discuss, dissect, embrace, reject, toss ideas around, ridicule, laugh or commiserate over them with each other.
“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”
— Enid Bagnold
Vacations as Writers
If we choose to go away on holiday, we decide with intention. We both like to go to different places each time. We cherish the newness of travel and new experiences as it enriches our lives and our knowledge and curiosity.
Sometimes we go to wild places to rejuvenate and be off-grid.
At these times we both take pen and paper and books. I spend as much time as I can meditating outside. My husband also meditates, but he is a keen amateur photographer so he will go on long meandering excursions capturing things with his camera.
Often perusing his photographic images invokes ideas and new stories in my mind. We feed off each other.
“A writer never has a vacation. For a writer, life consists of either writing or thinking about writing.” ~ Eugene Ionesco
At times we intend to complete a particular writing project when we are away and in a quiet place. We deliberately choose it for that reason.
We also nourish our relationship at the same time.
- We choose and plan meals to make together we both love and enjoy.
- My husband hates massage, but I love it, so it is always scheduled.
- We both enjoy long walks.
- I enjoy swimming in a natural river.
- We both love nature.
- I love watching him and accompanying him as he goes on photography expeditions. My eye is different to his, and sometimes he is happy to accommodate my requests for ‘shots’ from different angles to be taken of a particular scene or image that has captured my attention.
“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
- Intimacy is vital to us both, as it is the fuel of total acceptance and support that adds the sense of belonging and meaning to us both.
Introverts by Nature
We are both introverts and introspective by nature so although we both have friendships outside of our relationship, they are few but are of quality and value to us both.
I schedule a time to see people in advance as it is so easy for time to slip by when I am writing, and I never want to lose the friendships I have. I have realized if I do not plan then it likely will not happen.
Communication
I love the fact that I can have in-depth discussions with my husband.
As we both read avidly and on a wide range of subjects, there is always something about which to talk.
- Being able to talk to someone else profoundly about things, is food for me.
- Communication is an essential part of what makes my relationship with my intimate partner so meaningful.
There are plenty of widely read people who are not writers who can hold their own in a conversation, but I think it helps in our case that we both are.
“I think the deeper you go into questions, the deeper or more interesting the questions get. And I think that’s the job of art.”
— Andre Dubus III, WD
- I love how he can read the same article, blog post or book and come up with entirely new perspectives and insights.
- His focus is on different things entirely and often what he highlights to me I have missed entirely.
“As a writer, you try to listen to what others aren’t saying; and write about the silence.” ~ N.R. Hart
- We both think quite differently in how we analyze and our backgrounds are different and so this influences how we approach reading and what we both take in from what we read, and how we write.
- I love how he makes me think.
- He is meticulous with fact-checking, and I often focus on how a piece makes me FEEL or the emotional undertones of what is said/not said.
Hoax-Slayer
My husband, Brett Christensen started a blog on yahoo groups 15 years ago which morphed into a website, and now Hoax-Slayer is one of the largest hoax-debunking websites in the world.
I am beyond proud of him and what he has accomplished. He started the site initially as he forwarded an email to his family and later on realized it was untrue. He began researching, and then friends and family started to ask him if things were true or not. He launched the website to collect together all his answers in one place, and it grew from there.
He has over a million, and a half people visit his website every month. His articles have been used and quoted in major newspapers and other magazines around the world. His site is archived in the National Library of Australia as being of national significance.
He also writes short stories, poems and writes in other genres.
“When I sit down to write a book, I do not say to myself, ‘I am going to produce a work of art.’ I write it because there is some lie that I want to expose, some fact to which I want to draw attention, and my initial concern is to get a hearing.”
— George Orwell
Improving My Writing Skills
Being married or in a relationship with another writer is also valued by me as he understands my excitement when “finding the right word,” or phrase or way of putting something, for a post.
He gets how excited I am when it all flows and comes together, and conversely, he also gets when no matter how hard I try the words I write are not conveying what I want to say.
“For your born writer, nothing is so healing as the realization that he has come upon the right word.”
— Catherine Drinker Bowen
I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
– Gustave Flaubert
One of the skills I am trying to perfect currently is writing using fewer words to convey what I am trying to say. I know this is a skill worth learning and will improve the quality of my writing.
I have no issue or problem finding content (I currently have over 130 stories in a draft form saved on Medium), but I need to work on eliminating unnecessary words. Editing to cut back takes longer but in the end, I hope will lead to higher quality.
Not that the story need be long, but it will take a long while to make it short.
– Henry David Thoreau
I love words. I love coming across new words, phrases or sayings that convey something in such a delicious and luscious way that it makes my soul sing. I love how I lose all track of time when I am writing. I love seeing someone else in this mode.
Words are a lens to focus one’s mind.
– Ayn Rand
Writing From My Own Experiences
Most of my writing is not for the web and is not non-fiction like my husband’s writing. I draw upon my own life experiences, stories from my past and my observations and reflections.
My husband understands my need for privacy and that I share with him what I write, but he also knows I don’t tell others in my family what I am writing.
I can trust him to keep confidentiality.
He understands my reflections and observations are valuable for me to post, but not necessarily essential to be ‘pushed in others faces’ who may recognize themselves in writing, or see my posts as “against” them when in fact they are only my opinion, and my intent is not to hurt anyone else.
I therefore rarely share my Medium posts on my Facebook page (which I keep private) or my social media accounts.
“Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.”
— Robert A. Heinlein
In Summary
My husband and I lead what many would consider a life that is boring, quiet, lacking in socialization and engagement with others. We, however, believe our writing lives to be productive, full and meaningful to us both.
Not many non-writers may understand and accept our obsession with sitting reading, writing, editing, reflecting or be able to accommodate the quietness and long periods of time this takes up of each day.
But it works for us (and our little dog).
I only started seriously writing in 2013 and writing on Medium three months ago, but my husband has been a writer for as long as I have known him.
Our styles and personalities compliment each other and accommodate our need for introversion, reflection and time for each of us to “journey within.”
I know plenty of others may write and be in a relationship with a non-writer and find that equally works well for them, but for myself, being with another writer enriches my world as I feel connected and understood on a level that does not need words as we both GET IT.
And maybe, in a world where words prevail, for us both, that is the ultimate balancing act.
