A Big Deep Breath
Dealing with mom’s cancer — again
I have been writing something else entirely over the last few days. But it’s too much. A lot is happening that I can’t put words to. I’m buried by emotion. Unable to breathe. The heaviness is palpable, unbearable at times.
Mom. Cancer. Stage IV. Life feels like a blurr. The only way out is through. But my body jolts to a stop.
Take a full deep breath. Clear space. Allow. Allow the feelings to move through. But they don’t. I’m stuck.
Pissed. Why can’t I write what I want? Say what I want? It’s all moving. But not through. Or out.
Take a full deep breath. Clear space. Allow. Allow the feelings to move through. But they don’t. I’m stuck.
Like what the hell? Why can’t I write today? Why is it all crap?
I promised myself I would. Every day. No matter what.
Take a full deep breath. Clear space. Allow. Allow the feelings to move through. But they don’t. I’m stuck.
I’d rather write this than something shallow. Meaningless. This is where I am today.
Hmmm. Okay. Be okay with not being okay.
Be okay with not having the answer.
It’s hard damn work to force yourself to come up with an answer. And seek perfection.
Stop. Just effing STOP!
Take a full deep breath. Clear space. Allow. Allow the feelings to move through. But they don’t. I’m stuck.
Stop putting the pressure on. I’m not okay and that is okay.
Take a full deep breath. Clear space. Allow.
Again and again I force myself to stop. Take a full deep breath. Notice how I feel. Drop into my body and out of my brain. Until I don’t. Or can’t.
I am not happy. In fact, I’m sad.
But I am human.
And this is part of it.
I am grateful to feel.
That has to be enough.
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Heather is a holistic health writer and yoga educator. She shares here daily as part of her personal writing practice — mostly lessons about embodied living, yoga and personal development. Cheers to a life well lived!
