Love Went Wrong

Love and heartache across three generations

Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

First the massive red bat bag, then the other softball equipment, the extra gear we complained about — the stuff strung throughout the garage for weeks on end. Two duffle bags — one green and one blue, a large black suitcase, all thrown in the back of her truck.

“I need to get out of here for a while. I’m going to my dad’s.”

“We’ve never stopped you, but you’re not facing the problem.”

In that moment I was happy to see her go. Caught in a swirl of aggravation, anger and my need to be right.

My daughter has always lived with us. Her dad was only involved in waves. Her stepdad and I disciplined her the night she left — rules, responsibility, respect — typical teen/parent drama. Instead of co-parenting, though, we were left to wonder. And she didn’t return any of my calls or texts for a week.

Indescribable feelings of sadness, grief, anxiety, depression, shame, anger, love, all mixed into a blur. Unspeakable thoughts. I was suddenly capable of thoughts and actions I never knew existed. My dark side grew and engulfed any sensibility that previously existed.

Unable to breathe, to continue, I softened. I only wanted connection. I wanted to see her. Hear her. Touch her. I prepared myself for the worst and was met not with hostility, but by a girl I recognized intimately. A mirror.

Her story too familiar, my own — years ago and now. But as my mother’s life hangs in the balance I can’t bring myself to tell it, to express my sadness and anger.

Unconscious patterns are cyclical until we bring them to light. Sometimes they remain even still. The pain broke me open. It showed me a life I choose not to live. I want to raise a daughter who sees her mother as human, as capable of making mistakes — and learning to fix them. I will always choose “I’m sorry” for the sake of relationship. I will always choose her.

Love went wrong. It does every day, everywhere. But choice is power, and in helping her heal I heal myself.


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ABOUT & OFFERINGS

Hi! I’m Heather, a writer and yoga educator from SE Ohio. I share daily-ish here as part of my spiritual practice, and am working on my first book, Yoga Prayers. Download the first 25 pages, A Prelude to Yoga Prayers, for a brief introduction into yoga history and philosophy — and let me know what you think!