writing through the pain

a cathartic process in the wake of my mom’s passing

Photo by Sorin Sîrbu on Unsplash

i lost my mom a month ago today

nothing is the same. even time. is different

i write to make sense of life, but this process is different too. it feels more like a crying out.

and maybe that’s okay. i’ve spent most of my life focusing on others. i need to allow myself to receive.

can i?

covering the pain is a tactic i know well. life is amazing and wonderful and my glass is always more than half full. that’s mostly true.

but none of us are immune to heartache, shame, sorrow, grief.

the trouble is, we hide it, or ignore it, or express it in inappropriate ways. we hurt others to lessen our own. we divert ourselves. we stuff it down.

where does it GO?

my body is saying enough.

it’s ALL here, inside. it doesn’t go away. in fact, it manifests more deeply.

and that’s just our own — collective pain is here too.

throughout the grieving process, even before mom exited this world, i’ve pondered her cancer, how it was so widespread.

and i internalized all of the guilt, pain, shame and worry that she was never equipped to deal with.

the anatomy of her spirit was full of that fucking cancer

i owe it to my mom to not walk that path. i owe it to me.

so i write. to express. to feel. to give the pain wings. to figure out what to do next. to ask for validation.

i write because it’s in me. because it wants to come out. because i have to.

Thanks for reading. My name is Heather Sage Church and I write to make sense of life (if you couldn’t tell by reading this). In the process I hope I somehow, if only in small ways, help others.