Apple Joins Forces With Sony To Invent Undetectable Anal Nano Computer
(Originally posted on January 14, 2015.)
Cupertino, Calif. — Sources report that Apple Inc. has been developing the future of unhackable computer hardware, and not even North Korea would suspect it is doing so by teaming up with Sony.
The hardware, which sources say is a microchip-sized supercomputer inserted into the customer’s rectum via electromagnetic iron rod, much like a traditional suppository, will take a cue from smartphones and create a whole new realm of “smartass” technology.
An anonymous source from Apple explained, “It operates much like a normal server would, except it allows the brain to connect to the user’s ass, thus eliminating all security issues to which a normal server would fall prey. It will be more revolutionary than the iPhone, and everyone will be inserting one in five years.”
Sony officials assert that the computer will be impossible to hack, in that any hacking attempts would result in irreparable crashing of the hacker’s operating system and warrant criminal punishment with a sentence equivalent to the severity of horse thievery in Texas.
Despite being smaller than a penny, the device will be able to use eye movements, head gestures, and temperature changes within the users’ anuses to detect the users’ needs, as well as any possible outside threats, including digestive turbulence. Sources associated with Google are comparing its innovation to the Google Glass, although Apple CEO Tim Cook insists the two companies’ combined efforts “are greater than anything those Glassholes can imagine.”
President Barack Obama is allegedly forming a Bill to make insertion of the groundbreaking device a requirement for every member of the Cabinet and Congress, as well as Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia.
“We, as a government, would like to make our citizens safer,” Obama commented at press time. “We must persevere over the oppressive forces in the world that seek to destroy our liberty.”
One Daily Jade correspondent interviewed a local proctologist — who also specializes as an oncologist — about the safety of the smartass technology.
“Oh yes, it would definitely give you a cancer the size of a separate head,” oncological proctologist Cole N. Oscopy said. “I have no idea who thought this up. All evidence points to its probably being the worst idea for colon health of all time. Maybe even the worst for a person’s general health. The absolute worst. Our country is really going down the drain.”
Sources report that if the smartass technology is successful, Apple and Sony will seriously consider building an “EyePhone.”