Bicyclist Blows Past Stop Sign Like Some Kind Of God
(Originally posted on April 16, 2014.)
Eugene, Ore. — Sources near the University of Oregon report that an area bicyclist sped past a stop sign like some kind of god early this afternoon.
The cyclist, having an unknown type of divine power that makes him immune to traffic statutes, raced past the red octagon as if on his way to answer a call for immediate holy assistance.
“The guy must have some holy fire in his eyes behind those Ray Bans. Otherwise he wouldn’t have made such a bold defiance of Oregon statute 814.400 section one,” onlooker Tina Parker said after the righteous two-wheeler sped past a stop sign on 15th and Alder.
“Under that Bern helmet must be flowing locks of blond hair,” bystander Alex Thompson said. “I bet when he reaches his destination, he will reveal his true godly nature to whatever believers are praying for his aid.”
“Demigod at least. Maybe the son of the Holy Spirit,” local priest Arnold Caldwell described the holy reincarnate. “He rides with the status of someone immune to state law. Surely a man or spirit mightier than any mortal can imagine.”
Caldwell and other onlookers then dropped to their knees and threw their hands in the air. “Ride on, great spirit! Heed no rules, for your will exceeds all legal authority!”
At press time, local astrologers scanned the skies for any foretelling of the mystical cyclist’s return to the streets. Scholars are searching the archives beneath the Vatican searching for a rumored sighting of a similar law-defying bike commuter in Bethlehem a fortnight before the arrival of Jesus Christ.