Bill Gates Offers Grants For Research On Technology That Has Always Eluded Him

Grant winner Dick Chartoff explains he will revolutionize the condom industry more than Microsoft influenced sex jokes.

(Originally posted on October 24, 2014.)

Eugene, Ore. — Sources report that former chief executive & chairman of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is offering 11 grants of $100,000 to inventors all around the world to work on developing the technology that has always eluded him: condoms.

Gates reported he was relieved that The Gates Foundation has already received over 800 grant applicants to research the mechanisms of the rubber for which he never seemed to have an affinity.

“Melinda [Gates’ wife] and I never use them, so I’m at a loss,” Gates explained. “Luckily there are numerous amounts of horny intellectuals who are intrinsically motivated to develop a successful new generation of condoms and put simple and thorough instructions on the rubber so that you won’t forget what to do right before you’re about to do it. That hasn’t happened to me or anything, but I know the public likes clarity.”

Gates chose to award one grant to University of Oregon chemistry professor Dick Chartoff and is considering giving him an additional $1 million for his “mind-blowingly complicated work that I didn’t even think was possible to pack into one device; seriously, the guy’s a genius.” Gates then added that he just hopes Chartoff doesn’t turn into the next Heisenberg of the sex industry.

Chartoff happily accepted the grant and exclaimed his new research will lead him to a condom design that will be “tight as fuck.”

“I don’t want to reveal too much — I only do so with my wife, heh heh — but this rubber will have the power of a Trojan horse condom,” Chartoff said. “And dare I say, it is microsoft.”

Local sexologist Lisa Lotscutoff said Chartoff’s developments make her hopeful for her boyfriend’s future.

“Bill Gates is already saving people from countless sexually transmitted diseases by supporting this endeavor, and now he’s even managing to save my relationship with my boyfriend,” Lotscutoff said. “I’d totally have sex with him if I didn’t think this implied he didn’t know what he was doing.”