Couple Close Enough To Become Single Entity
(Originally posted on February 13, 2014.)
Eugene, Ore. — Reminded of the rapidly approaching Valentine’s Day, one heterosexual couple noted that it is so inseparable, so close, that it should really be identified as single.
The couple, junior Todd Grossling & sophomore Jenny Blawrence, started dating in fall 2012 and have been progressively conglomerating ever since.
“I remember, like, I was a freshman and in need of anal, and then he [Grossling] came into my life and other things,” Blawrence said, looking deeply into Grossling’s eyes. “Yeah, for a while it was just sex everyday after class, but then we realized we were more than that. So we, like, started ditching classes and having sex then, too. And now we’re, like, never apart from each other, and that’s what made us think that we should be single — not, like, break up, but be single.”
Grossling confirmed the couple’s singleness, saying that he and Blawrence have only been apart for five minutes throughout their entire relationship, and that the longest time they were apart, forty-five seconds, caused them depression that could only be remedied by twelve hours of Mad Men, two hours of heavy petting in public, and six hours of sex in Blawrence’s roomate’s bed.
“We’ll never be apart for that long again,” Grossling said while hugging Blawrence from behind her back. “It’s physically impossible. We are one.”
When asked about how being single on Valentine’s Day made them feel, Blawrence and Grossling said in unison that they now understand why it is referred to as “Singles Awareness Day (SAD).”
“It can be lonely being single,” the two said. “But if we get too lonely, we’ll find another single couple to be a couple with.”
Blawrence and Grossling also added that despite feelings of loneliness, it is pretty nice that they no longer feel obligated to get each other Valentine’s Day gifts, and that they look forward to posting blogs on social media about how being single on Valentine’s Day isn’t that bad.