Eugene Police Enjoys Quiet First Weekend Back With Surprising Lack Of Ultraviolence

Officer Mark Cooper waits around for absolutely no trouble around the city at his first weekend back on duty.

(Originally posted on October 6, 2014.)

Eugene, Orre.— Sources confirmed today that the Eugene Police Department (EPD) enjoyed a “quiet” and “peaceful” first weekend of fall term with the return of students living both on and off campus in the Eugene area, with only 23 accounts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, 35 hospitalizations by recreational methamphetamine abuse, 7 deaths by Phencyclidine related stabbings, and the death of an entire fraternity by alcohol toxicity caused by tequila administered into rectums via enemas.

EPD Officer Mark Cooper commented on the activities surrounding campus on the first weekend of fall term:

“This was the slowest first weekend back we’ve had in years!,” he said, putting his feet up and requesting an intern to pour him a cup of coffee with a toy gun. “It was so quiet in the office. We only got calls about every three minutes, so we had a ton of spare time to eat donuts and drink coffee and take naps.”

Cooper added that the state of streets such as Alder, Hilyard, and Patterson on Saturday night was “peaceful, like you would have thought it was Christmas Eve or something,” and that he only had to use his stun gun on 12 intoxicated freshmen hurling switchblades, beer bottles, and bongs at him.

One of the more mildly extreme calls EPD received, according to Cooper, involved a freshman girl high on bath salts who tried to eat her roommate alive after she allegedly ate four of her Luna Bars.

“Usually we get ten calls like this the first weekend back. Hell, I joined the force for the constant fast-paced excitement, but for once, I’m not complaining!”

The UO Housing staff expressed concern that the university may experience incidents related to overpopulation for the 2014–2015 year, considering that statistically 25% of incoming freshman do not survive the first weekend of fall term, which creates more vacant housing for students on waiting lists. This year, that percentage has drastically dropped to 15%, which has stirred up concerns for university faculty.

Michael Griffel, Director of University Housing, commented, “Either the University needs to build a new housing structure to accommodate all of the surviving freshmen, or more students need to perish from ultraviolence.”

Griffel also raised the issue of surviving freshmen making it more difficult to finance the Erb Memorial Union (EMU) renovations.

“I just don’t see that happening. But we’ve been having meetings, and we’ve agreed that the construction has made the EMU even more of a labyrinth, and we could trap the freshmen in there, create a dangerous environment for them to feel the need to betray and take each other out. If that doesn’t work, we’ll return to old-school methods, like dropping bulldozers on packs of traveling freshmen and foreign exchange students.”

The interview with Griffel was abruptly ended as he checked his phone, smiled ecstatically, and said, “Got to go! Just got the news that an entire sorority overdosed on bubble tea again! The University Board will be so relieved!”