Health Center Staff Promotes Stress-Free Environment By Taking Students’ Midterms For Them

The Health Center receives eager candidates for the new midterm-taking system.

(Originally posted on April 30, 2014.)

Eugene, Ore. — In its campaign against the rising stress levels as reported by college students in recent mental health surveys, UO’s Health Center has decided to allow its staff to take students’ midterms in order to promote a stress-free environment on campus.

Staff members from all specialty services will charge $30 for a C, $45 for a B, and $60 for an A per exam, with the exception of the staff from Suicide Prevention, which will charge $70 to achieve “a score that doesn’t make you or your professor want to kill yourself,” according to the Health Center’s website.

Healing Touch practitioner and meditation instructor Jude Kehoe reported that the system of midterm-taking was designed to help the Health Center staff members as well as students.

“Telling students that they shouldn’t stress over midterms and should be one with themselves wasn’t working. So we thought taking the midterms ourselves would not only relieve them of their stress, but give us meaning in our jobs, and money,” Kehoe said after returning to consciousness from a one-hour meditation during a one-hour & twenty-minute calculus exam. “Oh, shoot, I should start this test now.”

“This system may seem unorthodox, but we can tell it’s doing wonders for everyone,” acupuncturist Mary Ann Petersen said while using a needle to carve in a patient’s response to an extensive essay question.

A more recent survey the Health Center administered to UO students two days ago validates the establishment of the midterm-taking system, reporting that over ten-thousand students have signed up for the Health Center’s midterm-taking system, and that students, Health Center staff members, and even professors have experienced a 45% drop in stress.

“I like having these Health Center staff members in my class,” history professor Joseph Fracchia said. “While taking the exam, they don’t fidget, sniffle, sigh loudly, tussle their hair, flip their writing utensils, flip shit, or look around the room like someone who’s trying to look contemplative but really doesn’t know the answer to the question they’re on.”

“I remember going to see someone to immunize me from my professor’s bullshit, he just told me he’d take my midterm for my 400-level Biology course instead,” junior Brad Lee said. “He used some of the Health Center’s money from other students’ exams to pay for tutoring. And he literally mastered the material, man. Got a C on my exam — never been happier — and the dude said he wants to go back to college and major in biology, using the rest of the Health Center’s money. I’m going over there now to celebrate with him and ask if he wants to immunize us with some heroin.”

Despite the decrease of stress in students and professors, the Health Center reported a strange spike in visits to Sexual Health and Physical Therapy services not regarding midterm-taking.

“We think this may have to do with the loose correlation between not having midterms and wanting to fuck like rabbits, which can lead to such issues as STDs and pulled groins and whatnot,” Petersen said. “It’s a small price to pay, and nothing acupressure can’t fix.”

According to Paula Staight, UO’s director of health promotion, if the midterm-taking system continues to be successful, the Health Center’s staff will implore UO’s administration to make all Health Center exam-taking a mandatory health care provision for students.