Lillis Complex Replaces Defibrillators With Kits Containing Salmon Board Shorts & Beats Headphones

Students are glad Lillis is finally taking emergency issues seriously.

(Originally posted on February 9, 2015.)

Eugene, Ore. — The University of Oregon’s Office of Emergency Management & Continuity (EMC) has replaced the Lillis Business Complex’s Defibrillator Locations with new Emergency Kits that consist of salmon board shorts, Beats headphones by Dr. Dre, extra wheels for Penny Skateboards, iPhone 4–6 chargers, and North Face Nuptse 2 Quilted Down Vests (for inclement weather).

Although not entirely applicable to the risk of sudden cardiac arrhythmia, the new kit has been supported by Campus Risk Services as more helpful in treating the highly reported risks. Spilled Sriracha Sauce on flamboyantly festooned board shorts was found to be the number one imminent emergency situation reported for fall 2014, followed by severe anxiety caused by students’ iPhones being in the red zone (lower than a 20% charge), followed by the complicating quandary of chilly pectorals but room temperature arms.

“Being a business major, you just never know what kind of shit you’re going to have to deal with any given day, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that this new emergency kit makes me feel safer,” Business major Chase Felton said. “Back when the defibrillators were there, I just never felt comfortable in Lillis. Everyone feels so much more relaxed now that they’re gone and replaced with the things we need to combat the most adverse situations.”

Sources also confirmed the Department of Emergency Management announced that they will be implementing multiple vending machines in Lillis with a variety of Axe hair pomade choices for spring 2015 to further combat the most dire emergency scenarios.

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