Marcus Mariota Given Another Speeding Ticket For Rushing To Save Newborn Kittens, Ebola Patient
(Originally posted on December 8, 2014.)
Eugene, Ore. — The University of Oregon’s star quarterback, Marcus Mariota, was caught speeding on Highway 126 to allegedly deliver a box of newborn kittens, as well as an Ebola patient in the backseat who was cuddling the kittens, prior to the game against Arizona last week. Eugene Police officer Josh Brooks, who pulled Mariota over for driving 80 mph in a 55 mph zone, reportedly regrets his decision to ticket Mariota.
“Once Marcus rolled down his window, I realized there was obviously something going on,” Brooks said. “I tried to just let him go, but he kept insisting that he was in the wrong, and asked me to please give him the ticket. He kept saying ‘the law is the law, officer.’
“I asked him what was going on with the kittens and the person in the backseat, and he told me that he found the kittens outside Autzen, abandoned by their mother and in need of sustenance. And then he told me the man in the backseat was diagnosed with Ebola from Sacred Heart, and he was hoping to play some catch with him after delivering him to a check up.”
Officer Brooks looked up between sobs and commented, “Why did he make me give him the ticket? Why?”
Upon further investigation, sources have found that both the kittens and the patient are fairing well — the kittens having been restored to full health, and the Ebola patient having been completely cleared of his disease.
The patient’s primary care physician, Doctor Denton, commented, “The apparent force field of godlike athletic ability that surrounds Mariota has been able to completely cure the disease.”
Sacred Heart declined to comment.