OSU Student Cited For Publicly Fucking Patriarchy

Sunderland looks at her computer camera confidently about her performance against patriarchy.

(Originally posted on January 30, 2015.)

Corvallis, Ore. — Police officers cited 19-year-old former Oregon State University student Kendra Sunderland for graphically fucking the patriarchal society that ultimately stopped her solo pornographic video at the school’s Valley Library yesterday.

Sources at OSU commented on how Sunderland shot a video for as long as the metaphorical dick of the patriarchy enforcers is short.

“At first, we were all trying not to look, because we were worried we’d be judged as sexist, perverted, ignorant college students who are in support of our morally repugnant patriarchal society,” senior Kyle Libido said. “But then I realized everyone was just quietly watching, all in support of this brave young woman. She was fucking our patriarchal society SO hard. Best porn I’ve ever watched.”

“I wish the police could have just lasted longer, but then again, she was fucking the patriarchal society they support pretty hard,” freshman Crispin Freewilly said. “Man, that was the most studying I’ve ever done in the library.”

Students at the library reportedly set a record high for Snapchat pictures and videos sent from a university that didn’t include the words “bitch,” “cunt,” or “slut,” or any dick pics.

“My boyfriend texted me about this…but without any pics,” sophomore Trudy Casty said. “And I’m like, ‘HOLY FUCK, send me the fucking pics right now. I need to share how hard she’s fucking our patriarchal society with everyone! We are advancing as a society!!’ But by the time I sent that message, she was apparently being led out by chauvinistic OSU police.”

Sources report that the police even opened the police car door for Sunderland, as if her hands didn’t have the coordination despite their seeing otherwise.

A university spokesperson commented that the university “does not condone the activities of the police or the government, because this is Corvegas, baby! I hope this brave ex-student figuratively fornicates the patriarchal judge so hard while in court.”