Phil Knight Donates $500,000 To Start Online Football Classes At UO
(Originally posted on January 7, 2014.)
Hillsboro, Ore.— This afternoon, Nike co-founder Phil Knight announced that he donated half a million dollars to forward online football education at UO.
“U of O isn’t doing as well academically as it used to, and I think that’s because football hasn’t been incorporated into its education,” Knight said. “You have to give students things they’re passionate about in order for them to excel in their studies.”
Knight went on to explain the classes are open to every student and would provide a great opportunity for them to apply their interests in athletics. “So many people are unable to truly experience the excellence of our athletic programs due to factors such as time or distance. This affords students the opportunity to be active and meet new people while still being alone and relatively motionless.”
Although many university officials, students, parents, and professors alike have criticized the idea of online football classes for seeming exploitive and outlandish, one student, Ira Capra, came out in support of Knight’s decision, saying, “I’ve always wanted to play football, but I’ve had to weigh that against my physical aversion to any kind of physical activity or natural light.”
Capra is a freshman Computer Science major suffering from Smeagolitis, a disease that renders his bones unnaturally brittle and his skin nearly translucent. “Thanks to Uncle Phil,” he continued, “I will be able to finally enjoy football, and I won’t have to do strenuous things like run, tackle, be outside, or put on shoulder pads.”
When asked about the largely negative reaction most people have had to Knight’s decision, Capra responded, “I understand where they’re coming from. Really, I do. At first glance, an online football class might seem ridiculous. But I urge my fellow students to think of people, such as myself, who are unfit for any kind of strenuous activity such as running, tackling, or wearing shoulder pads. It’s awful that a university that purports to be so accepting and inclusive would be against this idea. It makes me want to punch a wall! And I would, if doing so wouldn’t crush my arm bones into a fine powder.”
Knight, however, clarified later in the day, “These classes aren’t just meant to teach students football. A big part of these classes is that they will bring awareness to the whole football team god status thing and show students how it is entirely accurate and should be supported.”
The university is already undergoing the process of developing three undergraduate-level classes and one graduate-level class. The undergraduate classes are: PHIL PETS 141: Ducks Fan Patriotism (2011–2014); PHIL PETS 330: Ducks Strategy: Why Losing to Stanford Was Part of the Plan to Get to the Alamo Bowl; and PHIL PETS 411: De’Anthony Thomas. The graduate-level class is PHIL PETS 666: Team Camaraderie In Worshipping The UO Football Players, about which Knight says he “didn’t even have to consult the university.”
“I think Phil knows what he’s doing,” said one university official who wished to remain anonymous. “Hell, these classes might even pave the way for establishing other online sports classes, like basketball, lacrosse, elk hunting, and chess boxing.”
“FOOTBAWWWL!” a second official drunkenly agreed at the top of his lungs before collapsing on the conference room table.
In the near future, Knight plans on advocating football as an undergraduate major that will procure students with a Ph.D after just three years of study.
“We need to Just fucking Do It,” Knight said.