Rape Culture Still Going Hard With Upcoming Undie Run

The Undie Run, which is to be held on June 5, has already received a popular reaction from avid rape culture participants.

(Originally posted on May 12, 2014.)

Eugene, Ore. — This afternoon Emerald posted on its Facebook page about the upcoming Undie Run to be held on June 5, and UO rape culture confirmed that it would definitely turn up at the run and go as hard as ever.

Addressing a sizable population of students that has avidly accepted rape culture as another typical aspect of college life, Emerald advised potential participants in its “EMERALD UNDIE RUN” video and on the Undie Run’s event page on Facebook, “Don’t be Caught Overdressed.”

Duck Store event presenter Tate Urclosoff explained, “We don’t want anyone to seem like they’re asking for it, so come half-naked. Trust me, it’s a great release to run half-naked in a chill crowd of people that kind of supports rape culture.”

“I’m so stoked for this run,” agreed Raquel Bones, a runner in Emerald’s Undie Run advertisement video, as she repeatedly watched the close-up of her legs and gluts. “Like, look at my ass. I can’t, like, not do anything with it. And I know that one guy in my econ class who’s single as fuck and told me he’d ‘tear that shit up’ will be there. Can’t wait.”

Urclosoff reported that the one-mile run will start at Tingle Hall, traverse to Johnson Hall, stall at Friendly Hall and “Condom Hall,” and then finally finish at 13th Avenue “if participants are able to last that long.”

When asked if the participants would be taken to the Law Library, Urclosoff swiftly declined to comment, but reported that President Gottfredson, UO basketball’s head coach Dana Altman, and UO football’s head coach Mark Helfrich would participate in the run.

“Altman and Gottfredson will lead the way while Helfrich will be balls deep in the rear, until he decides to penetrate the front line as he usually does,” Urclosoff said.

Upon being interviewed, Gottfredson immediately promoted a surprise. “I’ve talked to the UO Women’s Center and the Coalition to End Sexual Violence, who were both contenders in presenting the Undie Run … and they showed doubt at first, but ultimately said they would not bitch us out if we had Damyean Dotson, Dominic Artis, and Brandon Austin join us for this event,” he said. “I think they were excited and timid if anything. The thought of those dashing young men seeing them half-naked at the run can be a little overwhelming.”

According to Gottfredson and Catherine Ripe, assistant event organizer and Duck Store cashier, on the day of the run the Duck Store will only sell beer mugs, beer hats, shot glasses, socks, trench coats, authentic UOPD batons, and “more rubbery-looking batons.”

Ripe, along with various bartenders, confirmed that the Duck Store has coordinated with numerous bars down 13th Avenue to offer post-run beers and cocktails to all participants, although pre-gaming is reportedly encouraged. Also after the run, DJ’s will repeatedly play “Dance (A$$)” by Big Sean, and coupons to all motels in Eugene will be given away or, upon refusal, forced down underwear.

“I know it’ll be dead week, and everyone will feel limp from studying so much. But go hard, play hard, you know?” Ripe said. “I feel like students will really want to get behind this.”

Renowned campus necrophiliac Matthew Deady confirmed this sentiment, saying, “Dead week? Fuckyeahhh!”