Sorority Girl Photo Pose Only Thing Keeping White Girl Butt From Non-Existence
(Originally posted on September 18, 2014.)
Eugene, Ore. — A recent study published by the University of Oregon Department of Human Physiology shows that a popular photograph pose done by sorority girls is seemingly the only thing keeping “white girl butts” from extinction.
Professor Hugh Janus, who conducted the study, discovered the pose is a mating call from sorority and some ratchet girls in order to signal males that they do, in fact, “take it in the ass.” His findings indicate that if it weren’t for the creation of the pose, “the white girl butt would become flatter than a beer at Taylor’s on dollar beer night.”
Janus elaborated as he peeked across the street from the Alpha Phi sorority, “As stated by Darwin, species have to adapt to their surroundings in a survival of the fittest contest. With the emergence of the ethnic ass, highlighted by such people as Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, and Nicki Minaj, the typical white girl butt wasn’t cutting it anymore. If white girl butts were to fend of this Sasha-Fierce competition, they had to come up with a way to highlight their butt without seeming too much like a whore, and thus resulted in what is known as the sorority pose.”
During the study, Janus also looked at other phenomenon white girls have used in the recent years in order to accentuate their butts, such as twerking and switching from wearing jeans to yoga pants. But, he concluded, these practices were only temporary patches compared to the sorority pose.
“The sorority pose provides variety and accessibility that merely twerking or switching from jeans to yoga pants cannot,” Janus said. “If a sorority girl wants to attract a potential mate at a Greek life function and they are wearing a tight dress, they can easily grab a few of their other single friends, pop out a phone, stick out their butt collectively, post the photo to Instagram, and watch the men who think ‘liking’ a photo will attract a girl’s attention flock. It can be done while at the pool in bikinis, in the summer in short jean shorts, or even at the bar wearing a mini skirt.”
When asked what the sorority pose has done for their butts’ recognition, many white girls reported that it didn’t only help get their butts more attention, but their bust as well.
Senior Kappa Kappa member Alexis Olson stated, “Totes, like, I mean, you know, men are so stupid. And, like, it takes, like, so much effort to like get their attention, you know? Like, I mean, I want to be, like, whatevs to them and all, but, like, all the good ones are so stupid. If I’m, like, ever going to bag one with like a platinum credit card, like, I’ll totes do whatevs it takes, but, like, without acting like one of those skanks from Omega house.”
Tri-Delta sophomore Shea Verpussi seemingly resonated this point, saying, “Scoducks! Tri-Delts rule, bitches! We have the hottest skanks on all of this fucking campus! It’s, like, Girls Gone Wild! Where do I flash my breasties?! Woooo!” She then flashed my voice recorder, thinking it was some sort of camera.
Janus states that if the white girl butt is to exist long-term, scientists need to extract Iggy Azalea’s DNA, isolate the chromosome that gives her, in scientific terminology, “a fantastic booty,” and discover a way to mix that serum into the measles vaccine given to newborn babies or another one of the government’s chemical mind-controlling devices.