Sources Report Knight Library Is Quiet…Too Quiet
(Originally posted on December 2, 2014.)
Eugene, Ore. — As the icy hand of winter comes to ominiously rest its frozen phalanges on the shoulder of the University of Oregon, students busily prepare themselves for the emotional onslaught that is finals and dead week. However, despite the nature of the season, the Knight Library has remained unnaturally quiet.
The cause of the unsettling drop in traffic remains unclear to even veteran library staff members.
“I don’t understand it!” said Pegory Greck, the Resident Page Master of Knight Library. “In the 57 yearsthat I have worked here at the Knight, we are always full to capacity around this time of year. Obviously a quiet library is desirable, so as to promote a welcoming study space, but this is too dang creepy!”
Waver Velvet, a recent library school graduate student shares this confusion surrounding the growing quietness enveloping the Knight Library. “I must admit that when I was a pre-lib student studying to get into lib school, I came across quite a few libraries in my travels, all of which possessed varying degrees of quietness,” Velvet said as he wiped the dust from a copy of Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. “But never before have I encountered this silence!”
The situation has become so grave that the Institutional Review Board of the University of Oregon was recently alerted about the condition of the library’s growing silence. The IRB is mainly concerned with the issues of the ethicality surrounding what is now being called “The Dead Zone.”
The Institutional Review Board is particularly concerned with the abnormal levels of “spooky” encompassing the Knight Library. The ethicality of the library’s spookiness has been called into question many times before in recent history, but the IRB has reportedly never felt so strongly about it. The head of the Institutional Review Board, Chairman Snoop Dogg, remarked in an interview with an undercover Daily Jade correspondent that the Knight Library was “3 spooky 5 me.”
In its continuing effort to resolve the issue, the IRB has considered contracting professional noisemakers to “de-silence and subsequently de-spookify” the Knight Library. However, they have come to the conclusion that it would be much easier to just construct an entirely new building instead.
“Our contingency plan is to zone the Knight Library as a condemned building and replace it with a new soccer field,” the IRB reported at press time. “The turf will be made out of 30% post-consumer recycled periodicals. The students will love it!”
At the time of reporting, an early schematic of the structure was found to reveal that the new structure will be named “William Knight Sporting Center.”