Student Sleeps With Professor, Gets C+ In Class

Professor Diane Summons believes the grade is fair for the work her student put in.

(Originally posted on December 9, 2014.)

Charlottesville, Va. — Shocking reports from the University of Virginia revealed that junior Kyle Schlafer engaged in sexual intercourse with his tenured Classic Literature professor, Diane Summons, last night at Schlafer’s apartment, and received a C+ in the class.

“He was perfectly adequate,” Summons said about the sexual encounter. “He had some good points in his work and didn’t waste any time making them. But he didn’t devote enough time to the climax of the passages we delved into this term.”

Summons also commented that, although Schlafer consistently provided “a well-formed thesis” for his assignments, it would have been a more pleasant experience for both of them if he had accepted Summons’ suggestions, such as “not just going off what other people have said, but providing an original analysis for the points you want to make that are based on the context of the work.”

Upon being told about Summons remarks on his performance, Schlafer expressed they were both valid and unfair.

“The works we were given weren’t exactly tight,” Schlafer said. “There was a lot of wiggle room for analysis, and I didn’t have a lot of time, so I kind of had to go off of what others said.”

Schlafer admitted that he “went on a few too many tangents” and discovered that he “actually ran out of space that was necessary to remain relevant to his thesis.”

All in all, Schlafer said, the grade is entirely acceptable. “I ain’t even mad or sad,” he said. “It’s a pretty good grade considering I did all the work the night before it was due.”

Schlafer confirmed that he plans on writing Summons an end-of-the-year thank-you email, informing Summons that he appreciated her teachings and looks forward to seeing her around campus and at her private office hours.

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